My doctor: you really need to work on getting that D into you
Me: bro I’m trying, I’ve got a date next week and everything
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Every time you make a typo, the errorists win.
My transition into my mother is nearly complete, I just said, “I don’t care who started it, I’m stopping it!”
Something I ordered off ebay 8 months ago just arrived. Package says “by air”, so I’m assuming it was attached to a paper airplane.
If I had a dollar for every time I messed something up at work, I’d be salaried and at my current level of compensation
Popeye: Whys you we’rin glasses? A-gah-gah-gah
Brutus: Doc says I need em bad
Olive: Hiya fellas
Brutus: *jumps back* THAT’S HOW YOU LOOK?
Ah yes, it’s that time of year where TurboTax threatens me to use their services, else they’ll bring me to financial ruin
Sesame Street has been on the air since 1969. Working with kids that long, it’s no wonder Cookie Monster is an addict & Oscar is a grouch.
A police officer came up to me yesterday and asked, Where were you between four and five?
I said, Kindergarten.
Me (while pouring you tea from a kettle marked ‘POISON’): I apologise. My ‘NOT POISON’ kettle is dirty at the moment.
Meet the ghost of a boy who drowned in a pond by his boarding school, and the Latin instructor who drowned him.
Interviewer: give me an example of when you’ve been a team player
Me: once my friend wanted to sleep with this girl but she was married
Interviewer: and you?
Me: distracted her husband with an interview
Remember before you give the finger from the safety of your car, not everyone has a schedule to keep
groan^2
“Doesn’t it feel good to Payless?” no, i want to be rich & shop at good stores
As a kid, I thought Simba was crazy to run after Mufasa was killed.
But, after watching so many true crime docs, I get it. It does look like he lured his dad to that gorge. Witnesses heard him sing “I just can’t wait to be king.”
A good prosecutor could get a conviction with that
Trying to find the $59 airfare advertised by Southwest is the adult version of Where’s Waldo.
[first day in hell]
Me: Ugh, it’s humid here.
Satan: Muahaha!
Me: The air…it’s moist.
Satan: Ok wait. You gotta stop saying that word.
Me: The heat AND the humidity make everything feel so moist.
Satan, rubbing temples:
This IS hell.
“What is your reason for divorce?”
She pronounces ‘Kansas’ like the second part of ‘Arkansas’
What kind of educational background do you need to have to work at the gas station that directs teens to their deaths in a horror movie?
Found this cool rock on a hike today so I brought it home
agent: may i please have your account number
me: i’ve given it out three times and been transferred three times
agent: sorry about that
me: but shouldn’t it come through to you when you get a transfer
agent: ideally, yes
me:
agent: may i please have your account number
I always have a suicide note in my shower so that i wont look stupid if i ever slip and crack my head
Guy down the street wanted to borrow a wrench so I asked him adjustable, box or open ended, he said the adjustable one you borrowed six months ago.
The duality of toddlers:
Banana = Best food in the worldBanana with the peel pulled down just a little too far = Worst thing that’s ever happened. Like honestly, how dare you?
I have explained who the California Raisins are to two people today and I am starting to wonder if I made them up.
*puts pancakes over eyes like cucumber slices*
It’s a myth that comedians stop being relevant after they turn 40. I managed it in my mid twenties.
-Babe, I can’t find the condom, what if we don’t use it?
-Sure, I’m ready to be a mother anyways.
-No, no. Look, I found it!
a ‘suggested’ serving size of chips seems to have been calculated by someone who has never eaten a chip