@YeahDrewisOn

Hey girl, heard you really like pandas

*Seductively eats bamboo*

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@WhatsHerFace33

If your wife says “what would you do without me?”
“Live happily ever after” is NOT the correct answer.

Brrrr it’s cold in this doghouse ūüôĀ

@SortaBad

Priest: Do you take this woman to be your wife?
Me: “I do”
Priest: Ok can you say it again without using finger quotes while you do it

@LaziestCanine

A fish’s Google search history:
– do fish have short term memory?
– do fish have short term memory?
– do fish have short term memory?

@dudehugs

TUPAC IS DEAD
BIGGIE IS DEAD
AND ME ALSO I AM FEELING NOT SO GOOD

@MavenofHonor

Accidentally cut myself while slicing a mango and now I’m a weremango

@pilau

Why does anyone like period dramas?
They’re bloody awful

@CatsVsHumanity

When you finally remember to take your reusable bags into the store and walk in with that swagger like look at me all saving the world and shit

@LuvPug

My husband and kids have started humming Darth Vader’s Imperial March whenever I walk into the room and I’ve never felt more complete

@stockejock

Fool me once shame on you,
Unless you’re speaking Spanish, then that’s eleven times and I probably deserved it.

@iGreenMonk

Small kid : Mom what happens when you die?

Mom : Your soul will go to heaven.

Small kid : No, I mean when you die, do I get your stuff?