Hey girl, heaven must be missing an angel….cause it looks like you ate one

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DAD: I want a steak.

HER: Eat this chicken instead. It’s healthy.

DAD: No it isn’t. It’s dead.


Where did I get my scarf? It’s a CVS receipt. You love it? Oh thank you very much.


I once ate Thanksgiving dinner in a friend’s sex dungeon.

I think about this often.


I went to a AAA meeting today and a guy celebrated 21 years. That is some responsible vehicle ownership.


Me: Who ate all the cookies?

5-year-old: Ninjas.

Me: I didn’t see them.

5-year-old: No one ever does.



Whenever my kid’s teacher asks how I’m doing, I always want to reply, “Why? What did my kid tell you?”


If I die before I wake, please convince mom this twitter account is fake. Amen.


Hell is having a married couple tell you a story at the same time.


[bank robbery]
Robber 1: put money in the bag
Robber 2: how come u get to be robber 1?
Robber 4: how do u think I feel. There’s only 3 of us


Nephew just whispered something into a Cadbury Easter Bunny’s ears then broke off its head.
I’m sleeping with the lights on.