Welcome to your 40’s. You appreciate handrails now.
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Her: Oh, a handsome man like you must be used to compliments.
Me: Yes, but do go on…
When your lying in bed and you sneeze upwards towards a moving ceiling fan there’s really no need to take a shower for the rest of the day.
Trust me on this.
Happy Lunch to those who celebrate!
My wife doesn’t have a Honey-Do list. She has a Cantaloupe list, which has all the girls I’m not allowed to run away with
If I go missing, please understand, I have lied about my weight on my license, dramatically.
Life is short. Write that novel. Paint that painting. Try new recipes. Learn black magic. Go into the forest at night. Summon a demon. Earn that demon’s trust. Become best friends with it. Brag to everyone else about your new cool demon best friend. Knit that sweater.
[creating humans]
GOD: Make them imperfect…
ANGEL: Okay…done…
GOD: Now make them apologize to Me all the time for being imperfect.
Friday is Cinco de Mayo. White people haven’t been this excited about tacos since Tuesday
bartender: what’s wrong with you
best man: they kicked me out because i dropped the mike after the wedding toast
bartender: well that’s excessive-
best man: mike is the groom
You’re right autocorrect. Much is gracias.
[First Date]
HER: Do you consider yourself a feminist?
ME: Oh I’m not feminist at all!
HER:
ME: In fact, some of my best friends are women.
My son just choked on food laughing, and I’m torn between being concerned and marvelling that one of my jokes almost literally killed someone.
I’m sorry but I love this one 🤣🤣🤣
Sir, I see that you spelled “résumé” with the correct accent marks. Unfortunately you’re just too fancy to work here at Popeye’s Chicken.
*reading a children’s book*
That’s preposterous. A duck can’t perform brain surgery. They would quack under the pressure.
My husband asked for a back scratcher for Father’s Day so apparently my days are numbered
If it looks like a duck & swims like a duck & talks like an angry duck policeman, then you about to fail a sobriety test son
Rigged my kids’ Magic 8 Ball to say these choices:
-No
-No way
-Still no
-Yes! JK absolutely not
-Go ask your father
Guy in front of me at McDonald’s: I’ll take two of everything
Me: IS THERE A FLOOD
I DON’T KNOW ABOUT?
“Stay out of the heat & stay hydrated.”
Thank you news-anchor. It’s my first summer.
Jay Z: Can I get a what what?
Teacher: Jay Z, can you or may you?
Jay Z: SORRY MAY I GET A WHAT WHAT
Teacher: Yes, you may get a what what.
me at a restaurant
waiter: here’s ur cup 🙂
me: oh thank you
waiter: *puts down cup*
me: thank you
waiter: *fills cup up with water*
me: thank you
waiter: i’ll be back soon with your food
me: thank you
I could tell my parents truly loved me as a child. My bath toys were a toaster, radio and a blow dyer.
Me: *washes hands 97 times a day now*
Also me: *hasn’t washed coffee mug since 2003*
My childless friend told me how easy parenting is so I went over at 0500 with fingerpaints and my toddler. We’ve been listening to Baby Bum nonstop, there’s food on the walls and every time she goes to the bathroom, we bust in to tell her all the words that rhyme with “poop”
I talk a lot of smack for someone who believes the plane will tip over if you stand up midflight.
If you tell me your kid is 22 months and I buy it a beer, that’s on you. That is your bad.
mcdonalds: may I take your order
cronus: I’ll have the kids meal
I’ve been attending Acronym Anonymous meetings recently. Or as I like to call it AA.
I’m not making a lot of progress.