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@daemonic3: Hey girl, I heard you like bad boys?
*starts jigsaw puzzle from middle instead of edges*
@imadepoopstoday: Practicing parenthood on an egg only teaches kids that if you cook your baby it's delicious.
@iamjeffsloan: Still super weird to me that humans can make other smaller humans. I wish mozzarella sticks could make other smaller mozzarella sticks.
@ericONEderful: A naked man brushed his teeth next to me as I washed my hands. This is why I don't go to the gym often.
@TheBoydP: A world without racism exists in traffic. The anger, cursing and honking is truly based on the ability to drive, not the content of the car.
@_ISpeakTrue: That moment when you make out with the air trying to find the straw in your glass