You meet the rock singer Meat Loaf while he’s out with his kids. He says, “These are my boys, Gravy, Mashed Potatoes, and Kyle.”
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[me, watching Alfred Hitchcock’s The Birds] oh, there they are
Every time I think I’ve parallel parked in a space the size of a shoebox, I get out and find it’s the length of two football fields
“A cantaloupe is an antelope that doesn’t.”
*waits until you fall asleep*
*tests out his new retractable air horn*
Whenever I see a newspaper on a driveway, left out in the rain, I figure that house just forgot how to read.
That eye roll….
Friend: I got an expensive new face cream.
Me: Your face looks terrible. I’d sue.
Friend: I haven’t used it yet.
I went to confession and the priest said, “pics or it didn’t happen.”
Give a man a fish and he’ll go to McDonald’s instead.
Teach a man to fish and nope, still McDonald’s
11-year-old: I can’t find my other shirt. I left it right here on the floor.
Me: Did you check the hamper?
11: Why would it be there?
Why indeed.
Hey look! They named a candy after you!
*points to Dum Dums*
Stop telling your kid “We’re leaving in 5 minutes.” They have no idea what that means. Nor do they care
Women dressed head to toe in animal print just bumped into me, thought I was being attacked my an obese leopard.
At the chemist and there is a man asking for a cream to get rid of his daughter’s nightmares, and the sales attendant is so resignedly repeating, “Sir, please, listen to what you’re saying”.
“The best things in life are free.”
– Kleptomaniac
Just got my invitation to Lady Gaga’s wedding reception. I can choose between beef or chicken. Not for the meal, that’s the dress code.
Have kids so you can get weird compliments like “You look nice in that dress, like a Saturday raisin.”
Why do people say tunafish, rather than just tuna?
Is that to differentiate from the tunacow and tunagiraffe?
Imagine being in the Trojan horse with the lads, pure darkness and giggling like hehehe
I feel like HGTV is creating some false expectations for the attractiveness of the contractor you hire for home renovations.
I’m so excited to have the kids home from college until that first trip to the grocery store.
[Talking Heads GPS]
YOU MAY FIND YOURSELF HEADING NORTH ON MAIN STREET. AND YOU MAY ASK YOURSELF HOW DID I GET HERE. AND YOU MAY TELL YOURSELF I NEED TO MAKE A U-TURN.
The accuracy #BlowsMyMind
[staring up at the sky]
ME: what does that cloud look like to you?
11YR OLD DAUGHTER: I’d say it’s a semi-transparent altocumulus, or at least something of the stratocumuliform physical category
ME: well I see a corn dog
My boyfriend died after falling into a giant vat of coffee at work
He didn’t suffer, it was instant
My 7 year old leaves for school with no toys. When I pick him up he has many toys. He says he “trades” for them. I’d ask his teacher but snitches get stitches.
I’m a married white male; my forefathers saw to it that I’m not allowed to be offended by anything.
doctor: can you bend down and touch the ground with your fingertips
me: [struggling] nope
doctor: try without the stilts
Oh. My. God.
Me: By the old gods and the new…may no man ever remove this crown.
Dentist: You can rinse now.