Hey, girl. I noticed you checking out my Hello Kitty socks. Just so you know…the boxers match.
*winks*
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21 year old me: i’ll have my shit together when im 31
31 year old me: lmao nope
You think you’re tired? Try being a child who’s been asked to put away their own laundry that’s been washed, folded and delivered to their room for them.
Email subject line: “Your invited.” Thanks, I’ll bring an apostrophe and an e.
waiter: *murdering me*
me: [after ordering the not getting murdered] no no this is fine
If you feed me & have the heat on high, I will fall asleep on you. So to have a much more interesting date with me keep me hungry and cold
[getting caught by a traffic cam] ok now let’s do a silly one
Need cheering up? If you watch Jaws backwards, it’s a heartwarming story about a massive shark that gives arms and legs to disabled people.
As a teen: hiding in the shed, secretly drinking.
As a dad: hiding in the shed, secretly drinking.
College football is great bc every guy on the field is the best football player to come out his HS in years or perhaps ever but then you get a matchup where one of the guys is a future 9x Pro Bowler & the other guy is a future litigation attorney and thats when the magic happens
first day in the secret service. all the guys hazed me into kissing the president
A bee is willing to end it’s own life just to cause you a tiny amount of pain. I can relate to that level of pettiness.
I sexually identify as an avocado.
Not in the mood.
Not in the mood.
Not in the mood.
Oh yes tonight is the nigh-
Too late, I’m over it.
When one happens upon a small spoon, the proper response is to become the big spoon. It is simply what one does at times like this. I am however sorry for having disturbed your crime scene, officer. I’ll see myself out.
I was fired from my job as hotel front desk manager for yelling “Get a room!” to every couple that entered the hotel.
Here’s the complete list of must have items for a middle aged woman when travelling away from home:
– Tweezers
People who knock on my front door really need to give up these unrealistic expectations that I’m going to answer
BREAKING: First satellite photo of the “ultra-cool dwarf star”
If you see a hot girl walking you should honk your horn to let her know you’re intrested and afraid to talk to girls.
Like that whole spinach in the teeth thing, I never know if it’s polite to tell a lizard person when they have a little tear in their human suit.
Dog pissed about wearing cone after surgery. Dog spends night banging cone against walls, keeping human awake.
Dog-1
Human-0
I hate it when I forget to cut the tags off my sandwich and everyone’s like “New sandwich?”
My wife found a spider in the shower.
Anyway, the open house is this Saturday if you’re interested.
Don’t mistake my habit to look down, as modesty.I have a long history of tripping on the most ridiculous things
PRIEST: god knows how you’re behaving, and has a huge problem with it
ME (wasn’t listening): and also with you
I thought white noise was the sound of people complaining at Starbucks.
i texted random strangers trying to trick them into finishing my owl joke
My gyno has to use a car jack instead of a speculum
Better “copulate” than “copunever.”
*holding a rattlesnake in each hand*
These are the angriest maracas I’ve ever played
World: What’s the date?
America: Well first and most importantly it’s June