Nothing displeases me more than when a friend gets into a serious plane crash after I’ve specifically told them to have a safe flight.
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Some of you are boycotting sex the same way are you are boycotting owning a Maserati.
There’s no way I’m the only person who thinks Kristen Stewart is doing the world’s best Garfield impression.
Don’t bother using those white packets of seasoning inside new shoes, they taste terrible.
If I worked at a pizza place I would use pepperoni to spell out “Marry me?” on pizzas all the time just to make things awkward for couples.
Best spoiler warning ever
Don’t bring up something I said 30 minutes ago. I’m a different person, I’ve changed since then.
The elephant is my spirit animal.
1. we never forget
2. we hate the circus
3. we’re scared of mice
4. we’re Disney characters
5. we’re awkward in rooms
If you hold your ear up to the seashell at my house, you can hear my wife yelling at me for peeing in the ocean.
My ancestry DNA results came back: 100% German pancake batter
Friend of mine confused IUD with IED and I couldn’t stop laughing
God: So I was, all, what if there was a fish made of jelly? Like, jelly but alive and in the sea? LOL
[angels look nervously at one another]
*wife wonders where I am*
*hears every musical snowman in the store start singing*
*knows where I am*
I had 13 items in the 12 items or less line, so I just put a banana in my pocket.
I never got the cat spayed but we did have ‘The Sex Talk.’
Me, making a pediatrician appt for my 5yo son.
Receptionist: “What’s his birth year?”
Me: “17”
Them: “2017 or….?”
Me: “Oh yes. 2017.”
In my head: No, 1817. We’ll make the arduous journey to your office in our covered wagon.
“I wondered if I could use a study room that’s private and out of the line of sight where nobody can see or hear what I’m doing in there.”
“Well, since you put it that way, absolutely not.”
I always say no to drugs. But, if they ever start deep frying them, I’m in big trouble.
Joined WhateverCupid™️ and matched with a woman who said we should meet for coffee if I wanted to and if not that was also cool. No photo. She said to look for a woman slouched in the corner wearing sweats. It went ok. I asked if we should meet again and she said whatever.
(Overheard in Connecticut)
“Why is the flag at the bank flying at half staff?”
“Maybe because the market has been going down?”
Me: Will I live a long and happy life? *shake, shake, shake*
SOON A DOZEN CLOWNS WILL MURDER YOU WHILE YOU SLEEP
Me: This is the worst Magic 8 Ball ever.
Funny how we say “I drank a *pot* of coffee” instead of “I drank fourteen cups of coffee and chased the cat around the hot tub with a sword”
Someone please tell me this is for something other than a baby conference/infant symposium
I love these 90-minute department meetings. It’s like a thrilling live performance of an email
I was at the zoo and I did a monkey call to impress my kids and a monkey talked back to me so I did the call again and it did a call, back and forth, just hootin and howling to each other until I made eye contact and it was just another dad also trying to impress his kids
heres law school: “sustained” is basically “settle down beavis.” “overruled” also means “settle down beavis,” but to the other guy instead
My rum-raisin cake is gluten free. It’s also raisin free. And cake free. OK it’s just rum.
11y/o: Thanks for packing my lunch today, but next time…I’m gonna need more chocolate.
Narrator: But there was not more chocolate…In fact, there’s never more chocolate…For, her mother, eats it all.
I sexually identify as a hand grenade
[On a first date]
Her: So, what’s your favorite food?
Me: Bacon
Her: Okay. Who’s your favorite actor?
Me: Bacon
Her: I see. Do you have any hobbies?
Me: Bakin’
Her: (Deep Sigh) What do you do for work?
Me: I bring home the…
Her: WAITER CHECK PLEASE!!!
Going to a wedding this weekend. Can’t decide if I want to sit on the bride’s side or groom’s side because that’s basically choosing who I will represent in their future divorce. No pressure.