@drinksmcgee

Hey girl, I’ve got the right equipment to satisfy you in bed.

*warms up electric blanket and turns on white noise machine

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@PleaseBeGneiss

grocer: [checking eggs] this one’s broken

king: how many horses do you have?

grocer: what

king: [panicking] how many men?

@alesiavsworld

Creep yelling from window: “HEY SEXY WHERE YO MAN?”
Me yelling back: “HE DEAD”
Him: “WHAT HAPPENED TO HIM?”
Me: “HE YELLED AT ME”

@liv_thatsme

We desperately need something to unite humanity. No, not love or compassion. I’m talking about a full scale alien attack.

@ibid78

[A-ha rehearsal]
“Here’s the lyric: Take On Me.”
“What about Take Me On?”
[4 hrs of arguing later]
“Ok we’ll say both. Now let’s get perms.”

@Thedudish

To make a mistake is human. To admit a mistake is stupid.

@novicefather

My grandma coined the term “TC” in 1988 to refer to her tuna casserole.

@nypost

Chicago releases 1,000 feral cats to end reputation as rat capital of America

@GuyBreakup

BF: I’m hungry. Wanna go out to eat?

GF: I look like hell. We can’t go out to eat.

BF: You look good enough to go to Waffle House.

GF: [eyes narrow]

@SvnSxty

I have never ONCE dropped a roll of toilet paper without it dramatically unrolling half of itself

@QwertyJones3

[FBI job interview]
“Do you have any self defense training?”

*flashback to hiding behind fence from teenagers* Yes I’m skilled at fencing.