grocer: [checking eggs] this one’s broken
king: how many horses do you have?
king: [panicking] how many men?
Hey girl, I’ve got the right equipment to satisfy you in bed.
*warms up electric blanket and turns on white noise machine
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Creep yelling from window: “HEY SEXY WHERE YO MAN?”
Me yelling back: “HE DEAD”
Him: “WHAT HAPPENED TO HIM?”
Me: “HE YELLED AT ME”
We desperately need something to unite humanity. No, not love or compassion. I’m talking about a full scale alien attack.
“Here’s the lyric: Take On Me.”
“What about Take Me On?”
[4 hrs of arguing later]
“Ok we’ll say both. Now let’s get perms.”
To make a mistake is human. To admit a mistake is stupid.
My grandma coined the term “TC” in 1988 to refer to her tuna casserole.
Chicago releases 1,000 feral cats to end reputation as rat capital of America
BF: I’m hungry. Wanna go out to eat?
GF: I look like hell. We can’t go out to eat.
BF: You look good enough to go to Waffle House.
GF: [eyes narrow]
I have never ONCE dropped a roll of toilet paper without it dramatically unrolling half of itself
[FBI job interview]
“Do you have any self defense training?”
*flashback to hiding behind fence from teenagers* Yes I’m skilled at fencing.