A fun way to spice up any marriage is to surprise your spouse by doing a chore and then when they thank you, reply with “no problem, somebody had to do it.”
You Might Also Like
I was riding in an Uber with a gay male colleague when his Grindr app notification went off on his phone. The female Uber driver said, “I know that sound – my husband plays that game all the time.”
People who think this giraffe is taking forever to give birth have never listened to my daughter tell a story.
Interviewer: it says here your interests include connecting people
Me: correcting people, actually
I: no it’s-
Me: i know what it says
One of my biggest talents is taking hundreds of screenshots that I swear I’ll need, but I never look at them again.
I know you’re the instructor but I’ve seen Ghost 47 times so I know for a fact this IS how pottery is made!
Not only are all my tweets stolen, but so are all my thoughts. And everything I say. And my identity. And this baby.
[Italian restaurant]
LADY:
“Let’s start with the shrimp scampi, then the chateaubriand, and maybe, hmm…”TRAMP [checking wallet]:
“We’re gonna have spaghetti and meatballs. Is silverware extra? You know what… no silverware.”
Don’t you hate it when you accidentally say something dumb in a conversation and then hate yourself for the next 15 years
[slides $5 to paramedic]
Me: maybe it takes us too long to get to the hospital & maybe I don’t make it
Is “drunk” an emotion?
Because if it is, I am feeling SUPER emotional right now….
My wife handles our kids like a boss. The only problem is she make me do it too 😂
Daylight saving? I’m ready for daylight spending
Her: I like dangerous sex, like in a moving car!
Me: Have you ever had an accident?
Her: No, I’m on the pill.
Me: (Sigh)
News Flash: Netflix Allows Employees One Year Maternal And Paternal Leave
My car spider built a web across my steering wheel & now I can’t go anywhere.
The fastest way to break your favorite mug is to say “I love this mug”.
[framing store]
SALESPERSON: how can I help you
ME: make it look like my wife did a murder
[commercial for babies]
*camera pans to a couple sleeping peacefully*
Narrator: don’t you hate this?
ME: Who’s a good boy?
MY DOG: What have you heard?
the thing about the weather getting colder is that it makes you think you want to date someone when what you want is heavy socks
I don’t need armpits that smell like fruit salad or “sexy intrigue”. I exude that naturally.
The fruit salad smell. Not the sexy intrigue.
*blows bubbles in your face to distract you as I take all of your tater tots*
ME: hello I’d like to return this body. it’s defective.
GOD: I’m sorry but your warranty has expired
Look, I respect the skill. But no.
Demi Lovato? Isn’t that one of those tiny coffee cups?
Stages of gardening:
1. Excitedly gather supplies
2. Start pulling weeds
3. Kneel in nest of ants
4. Get bitten by 40 ants
5. Be done gardening
Me: I can’t come in. I got food poisoning last night.
Boss: Oh no. Did you throw up?
M: Yup
B: What did you eat?
M: 17 beers
B: …
One minute you are young and carefree, the next minute you eat a cucumber after 6 PM and your digestive system is like, “absolutely not.”
(Teen Jesus Season Finale)
*TJ gracefully ascends into clouds*
*everyone is in tears*
*Mary M gets a txt*
TJ (txt): high af rn