Hey girl.. you ready to [loudly toward the door] TAKE IT TO THE NEXT LEVEL *roommate sends in R/C truck with a bunch of condoms taped to it*

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Sure, Michelle Obama said those words first but Melania Trump had the imagination to say them like an operative in a cold war spy thriller.


It’s not illegal to tell a ghost story when a cop shines a flashlight in your face


I got kicked out of the procrastinators club when I showed up for our first meeting..


[outside a blazing house]

Firefighter: …
Me: …
Firefighter: …
Me: … There was a spider.


Boss: Dan why is your hand raised?

Me: can I go to the bathroom?

Boss: Dan you’re 23. This is a business meeting

Me: so that’s a yes?


In medieval times, infant mortality was so high that parents would often avoid posting pregnancy pics on Facebook until the 3rd trimester.


I scream. You scream. We all scream. This fancy wine bars toilet gender signs were unclear.


[drive thru window]

toddler: can I say hi?

me: aww that’s sweet *rolls down window*

toddler: two milkshakes please


FBI: If you testify you’ll have to go into the Witness Protection Program

ME: I’ll do it

FBI: Your wife and kids too

ME: Never mind