Hey girls, you are not a “mommy” just because you own a dog. You have to have a kid to be a mommy. If you are a mommy, then I am a dragon.

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Got a new bottle of dish soap and now I’m using what’s left in the old one with the reckless abandon of someone in a much higher tax bracket.


I tried to kill a spider by drowning it in douche and now it keeps picking fights with me on social media


“What’s the deal with palm trees?”
What are you doing?
“You said do tropical humor”
Topical. I said topical.
“What’s the deal with ointment”


Me: I need to know if it’s a bit breezy out and I need to know now! and at all the other times, day and night, and I need the neighbours to know too

Wind chimes: we won’t let you down sir


If the ESPN Fantasy Football app were slower and unreliable it would be playing quarterback for the Bears.


*logs into Facebook
*looks at pictures of people hugging their boyfriends
*comments ‘is that your dad’ on all of them
*logs out of Facebook


a bunch of people at a school dance waiting to get a drink

that’s it. that’s the punch line


“Check it out, I bought a shoot gun”

“You mean a shotgun”

“No not yet”


*on deathbed*
“Son u were *cough* ado-”
“Dad? I was adopted?!”
“A dot of misery on my otherwise happy life. I don’t know why we adopted u.”