@chrisdelia

Hey girls, you are not a “mommy” just because you own a dog. You have to have a kid to be a mommy. If you are a mommy, then I am a dragon.

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@Aspersioncast

When a girl says, “I think we should talk,” it’s never about the Bat Mobile.

@truegritrumble

(Cereal Mascot Support Meeting)
TRIX BUNNY: I don’t understand why I can’t have any of the cereal.
LUCKY CHARMS LEPRECHAUN: I don’t understand why these kids keep stealing mine.
FREDDY KREUGER: I think I’ve wandered into the wrong group, but have any of you thought about murder?

@215potter

These Valtrex commercials are confusing… Are herpes a pre-requisite for kayaking and rock climbing?

@CauseWereGuys

MFs in movies will have all this on the kitchen table just to take one sip of OJ then say “okay i’m off to school now”

@EliTerry

“this corrupt city needs a hard rain. a hard penetrating rain for a dirty city. a thrusting rain. god so deep” – from my novel Sex Rain

@VitaeArcanum

My youngest daughter is blowing relentlessly on a recorder

So you can understand what level of stabby I am right now

@mostlysharks

friend: why did you take up running?

me: *really wants to catch an ostrich* no reason

@ThisOneSayz

Kid: Would you rather be invisible or be able to fly?

Me: Be invisible.

Kid: To fight bad guys, right?

Me, imagining breaking into a cheese shop and eating all the cheese: Totally.

@KalvinMacleod

[skydiving, first jump]
INSTRUCTOR: everyone ready?
EAGLE: yes.
HAWK: check.
SPARROW: ready.
PENGUIN: this is a really bad idea.