Hey girls, you are not a “mommy” just because you own a dog. You have to have a kid to be a mommy. If you are a mommy, then I am a dragon.

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When a girl says, “I think we should talk,” it’s never about the Bat Mobile.


(Cereal Mascot Support Meeting)
TRIX BUNNY: I don’t understand why I can’t have any of the cereal.
LUCKY CHARMS LEPRECHAUN: I don’t understand why these kids keep stealing mine.
FREDDY KREUGER: I think I’ve wandered into the wrong group, but have any of you thought about murder?


These Valtrex commercials are confusing… Are herpes a pre-requisite for kayaking and rock climbing?


MFs in movies will have all this on the kitchen table just to take one sip of OJ then say “okay i’m off to school now”


“this corrupt city needs a hard rain. a hard penetrating rain for a dirty city. a thrusting rain. god so deep” – from my novel Sex Rain


My youngest daughter is blowing relentlessly on a recorder

So you can understand what level of stabby I am right now


friend: why did you take up running?

me: *really wants to catch an ostrich* no reason


Kid: Would you rather be invisible or be able to fly?

Me: Be invisible.

Kid: To fight bad guys, right?

Me, imagining breaking into a cheese shop and eating all the cheese: Totally.


[skydiving, first jump]
INSTRUCTOR: everyone ready?
EAGLE: yes.
HAWK: check.
SPARROW: ready.
PENGUIN: this is a really bad idea.