@chrisdelia

Hey girls, you are not a “mommy” just because you own a dog. You have to have a kid to be a mommy. If you are a mommy, then I am a dragon.

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@AbbyHasIssues

Got a new bottle of dish soap and now I’m using what’s left in the old one with the reckless abandon of someone in a much higher tax bracket.

@Sickayduh

I tried to kill a spider by drowning it in douche and now it keeps picking fights with me on social media

@DanMentos

“What’s the deal with palm trees?”
What are you doing?
“You said do tropical humor”
Topical. I said topical.
“What’s the deal with ointment”

@eslpaul

Me: I need to know if it’s a bit breezy out and I need to know now! and at all the other times, day and night, and I need the neighbours to know too

Wind chimes: we won’t let you down sir

@robfee

If the ESPN Fantasy Football app were slower and unreliable it would be playing quarterback for the Bears.

@ErrenMichaels

*logs into Facebook
*looks at pictures of people hugging their boyfriends
*comments ‘is that your dad’ on all of them
*logs out of Facebook

@fro_vo

a bunch of people at a school dance waiting to get a drink

that’s it. that’s the punch line

@jonpinder3

“Check it out, I bought a shoot gun”

“You mean a shotgun”

“No not yet”

@david8hughes

*on deathbed*
“Son u were *cough* ado-”
“Dad? I was adopted?!”
“A dot of misery on my otherwise happy life. I don’t know why we adopted u.”