Hey girls, you are not a “mommy” just because you own a dog. You have to have a kid to be a mommy. If you are a mommy, then I am a dragon.
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Everything I know about love I learned from the venus fly trap.
At the 2015 Edinburgh Fringe a man came up to me after my show one day to say “I really don’t think much of your comedy, please stick to singing” and I’ve basically continued in comedy ever since just to annoy him.
One a scale of 1-10 how much do you care what other people think of you?
Me: (who hasn’t eaten a packet of crisps at work for 2 years because im scared it will be too noisy and people will look at me) I dunno, probably like a 5?
3: mommy! Come look, I made a water fall
Me: oh dear god
[pronounces testosterone like macaroni]
Vader: “I am your father.”
Luke: “I am your father.”
Vader: “Stop copying me.”
Luke: “Stop copying me.”
Vader: “Shut up.”
Luke: “Shut up.”
What I heard:
Wanna see who can outstink each other, pick ticks, worry about serial killers and fight bears for the good pooping spots?What they said: Want to go camping?
why stack your tupperware when you can chunk it into the cabinet and close the door before it falls out.
said in every police drama ever
– her parents are coming down from Wisconsin
The worst thing about life is getting comfortable and then realizing that you don’t have the remote.
Cereal box mascots would destroy sports team mascots in a fight and it wouldn’t even be close
*Me as Dr. There was a complication so I replaced ur eye w/a mini magic 8 ball.
Patient: Seriously?
*shake his head. All signs point to yes
When Godzilla keeps knocking down stuff that you can’t even reach.
[Pizza falls on the ground]
Hold
HOLD!
-Germ boss telling his minions not to jump on the pizza until it’s been a full five seconds.
[Half of my body is already in the anaconda]
“Is this a date? This feels like a date.”
Date: Cat-callers disgust me.
Me: [hastily returning phone to pocket] Oh haha yeah me too.
My cat: *at home by the phone worried sick*
Me: *picks nose*
Plastic Surgeon: excellent choice
10:00: gets in hammock
10:00 to 10:20: relaxes in hammock
10:21 to 11:57: gets out of hammock
[giving mother in law my famous salad dressing recipe over the phone] 1 part vinegar, then *bites lip so I don’t laugh* 2 parts baking soda
Starting a band called “Get Off The Stage” so I can pretend everybody’s cheering me on
All of my other appliances think the air fryer is an overachiever. Even the food processor and the blender are bonding over this, and they’ve been enemies for years.
LIFE LESSON: Never do anything which you don’t want to explain to the Paramedics.
Not sure if the bulb for my check engine light finally burned itself out or if my car magically fixed itself, but I’m going with the latter
I’m forced to conclude that not liking my tweets is a you problem.
Guy 1: guess I shouldn’t get in the water
Guy 2: why
Guy 2: well it’s shark week
Guy 1: that’s…that’s not what shark week is
[Gives husband a list for groceries]
He brings home 1/2 of what’s on the list and someone else’s kid.
Me, in most situations: quick, incisive decision-making.
Me, thinking about what drink to get at a gas station: To be or not to be; that is the question. Whether tis nobler in the mind to suffer the slings and arrows of outrageous fortune, or to take arms against a sea of troub
The only appropriate time to ask a woman if she’s pregnant is when you see her peeing on a stick.