Hey girls, you are not a “mommy” just because you own a dog. You have to have a kid to be a mommy. If you are a mommy, then I am a dragon.
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When a couple pause their relationship & take a break from each other it’s called an ihatus.
there is no such thing as a domesticated cat. what we have done to dogs is impressive and obvious. what we have done to cats, so far as i can tell, is nothing
me: oh it’s so nice out I think I’ll wear shorts and a tank top
*5000000 mosquitoes like this post*
If he marries someone else, raises a family, and leads a very fulfilling life, maybe he’s just not that into you.
Me: “This Chardonnay is so nice, I can really taste the oaky undertones”
“Sir those are just chunks of cork from opening it with your keys”
My kids came over for their weekly visit and I said to them: “Life is short so never spend time doing anything you don’t want to do.” They said: “Cool! Bye.”
I don’t listen to my voicemails because it’s none of my business what people say to when I’m not there.
I may have failed as a lifeguard in myriad ways, but don’t you dare say I wasn’t punctual.
not me looking down to google “why is my dog staring at me” only to look back up and see my dog barfing on the carpet 😑😑😑😑😑
Before you start your artisanal candle business ask yourself: does the world need one more lychee-scented soy candle? Or even one?
Hello 911?
“What’s your emergency?”
You work in a building?
“Yes”
Inside?
“Yes WHAT’S YOUR EM-”
So you’re saying 911’s an inside job?!
Ever pick a booger so big that you get it out and suddenly it’s like you’re on top of a mountain, inhaling the world’s largest and most refreshing breath of air that ever was breathed?
HERE’S MARKY
Stuck behind a school bus & locked in an intense staring contest w/ a kid at the back. I’m 45 min. off course but I’m not gonna let him win.
Me: Bedtime in 5 minutes!
8yo: *Begins the single most complicated crafting project of her lifetime thus far*
Life hack: Asking fellow party guests about their last colonoscopy can be an effective way to avoid future social commitments.
The first 36 years of my childhood have been the hardest.
May my enemies all have to walk several miles in wet jeans
ME: I wish I was a little bit taller
GENIE: done
M: I wish I was a baller
G: done
M: I wish I knew the rest of the lyrics
G: done
M: dammit
Date – “so they had no other chairs?”
Me [sitting on an alpaca] “no”
Very sad to announce I need to cancel the 2020 Boston Handshaking Festival.
Him: Correct me if I’m wrong.
Me: Oh don’t worry, I will.
I bet when kittens go to work in kitten offices that there’s always one kitten whose cubicle is decorated with pictures of lonely old ladies
I can’t wait for the day when we can place specific blame in the fine print of pharmaceutical ads like CARL YOU’RE THE REASON WE CAN’T USE THIS WHEN WE’RE DRIVING THE BULLDOZER
Whoever has my voodoo doll can you give it a job
My next-door-neighbor is such a bitch that regardless of what she says to me; I simply reply, “You’re barking up the wrong tree.”
Me: ’til death do us part
Her: ’til death do us part
Death: *cracks open beer* Imma watch them suffer a while
Banned from IKEA again because I keep asking staff awkward questions about the shelf life of shelves.
Me: *walks to counter* One large fry.
Cashier: Sir, there’s a line.
Me: Oh, they’re not with me.