[On the phone with the police for the 7th time in 2 weeks]
“Sir, again, we cannot arrest your cat”
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Boss asked if I was ready for more responsibility. I’m eating around a sticker on an apple cause I’m too lazy to peel it off so I guess no.
i liked her. i wifed her. 🤎
Boss: Where’s the progress report I asked u for
Me: I haven’t made any progress that’s my reportWhat I imagine it’d be like if I had a job
I have two dogs walking around my house in cones of shame and it’s like living a never ending game of bumper cars
Guys you need to work this out.
*water balloon fight at 10 paces*
BREAKING NEWS: Local prosthetics store hit by unarmed robbers.
Accidentally texted my dad “have a hood day” and he shot three people
Detective: Don’t leave town.
Me, thinking about gas money: Ok
can I use a minion as a tampon
Why do they call it a zoom meeting, and not a co-vid?
“We’ll call you” – OH NO
“You call us” – OH NO
Please stop saying “There are plenty of fish in the sea”. I’m sick of having sex with fish!!
Maid of Honor speeches shouldn’t end with, “I’ll see you all at her next one.” I know that now.
when I say “I want a boyfriend” I mean that I want to magically wake up one day in a peaceful and balanced 5 year relationship, not that I want to date or meet people or put in the effort towards making it a tangible reality
Billy Ocean’s “Get Outta My Dreams” is my favorite song about simultaneous eviction & abduction.
Whole Foods just notified me that I’ve won a “Lifetime Supply of Fresh Kale” which in my case is one kale.
Don’t buy a giant skeleton from home depot. Adopt one from your local cemetery
[firing squad]
Any last requests?“Here’s my mixtape, if u like it, will u let me live?”
Yes. *listens* Oh man that’s FIRE
*gunshots*
HIM: I eat guys like you for breakfast.
ME: I don’t underst—it’s 2:15, you can’t have breakfast now.
HIM: No, like, I’m threatening you.
ME: For tomorrow?
THERAPIST: your problem is, that youre perfect, and everyone is jealous of your good posts, and that makes you rightfully upset.
ME: I agree
Women’s day is just a made up holiday to get us to buy more women
My favorite doll’s husband was made by me, of a shampoo bottle and a ping pong ball. Good guy, but he just couldn’t stop losing his head over things. Literally
My coworker doesn’t like me which is weird bc her husband does.
Beware of the “party goblin”…
I closed all the windows and curtains in the house. I don’t know where all this stupidity is coming from.
I didn’t take my husband’s name when I got married. I figured it’d be confusing if we were both called Keith.
I do things for others…
Like when I’m drunk dancing by myself, Billy Idol style, and I save my friends from being seen with me.
*primitive gungans defeat battle droids*
*Stone Age ewoks beat elite stormtroopers*
*improbable underdog story defeats logic and reason*
Who taught this was a good idea? The backbreaker.
“Hello, customer support. How may I help you? You’re looking for a refund? What seems to be the problem?… I understand. Please hold while I direct your call to our mean person.”