“Hey Google, set an alarm for 5 AM”

Google: “No. That’s stupid.”

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HER: the last guy i went out with was as boring as a sack of potatoes
ME: [gets up from table] my son is a potato


[paleontology class]

PROFESSOR: can anyone tell me the period in which dinosaurs went extinct?

STUDENT: uh the Jurassic?


STUDENT: *smug look*

PROFESSOR: *marking paper* I just finished my dumb answers bingo, it was the Cretaceous


WIFE: you need to stick to your budget

ME: the spatula broke we need a new kitchen


Why are they called ‘school gym clothes’ and not ‘class action suits’?


[at bedtime]
5 yo: Leave the door open.
Me: Will that keep you awake?
5 yo: It needs to be open so the shadow people can leave.
Me: [never sleeps again]


[old couple feeding ducks in the park]

“Nothing could ruin this Edna”

*I scare all the ducks away, punch the old man and steal their bread


Teacher: ok class bring your dioramas to the front of the class
Me: [holding a bowl of diahorrea] oh no…


Monkey: What is this amazing fruit
Other Monkey: they’re bananas
Monkey: I know I like them too but what are they called