“Hey Google, set an alarm for 5 AM”
Google: “No. That’s stupid.”
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If Oprah took over Favstar, everyone would get a trophy.
See a penny, pick it up, then all day you just have a dirty penny in your pocket
Pringle’s: Once you pop, the fun don’t stop!
Me: *covered in Pringle’s shards and grease, surrounded by empty tubes* It’s true I’m having the time of my life
nasa employee: oh hey u guys are back early
astronaut: moon’s haunted
nasa employee: what?
astronaut: *loading a pistol and getting back on the rocket-ship* moon’s haunted
Went to the toilet once and a guy in the next cubicle said “alright, mate! What you up to there?” I replied “hey just having a shit”. An awkward pause followed before the guy in the next cubicle said “I’ll have to call you back, mate….” I hid in that cubicle for an hour.
Add “af” to the end of all business emails for maximum corporate whimsy
Protip: If your spouse says “Thanks for the help” when you didn’t do anything don’t reply “You’re welcome”.
witch 1: i can’t find my broom
witch 2: that’s fine i can drive a stick
You drink WAY too much, and you have questionable morals . . .
me talking to myself in the mirror before going out at night .
You can learn a lot when your children start moving out. For example, you may go upstairs and learn that you no longer own a couch.
One last time…
It’s ‘a lot’ not ‘alot’!
It’s that simple.
Tomorrow we’ll cover thermonuclear fusion & the works of Voltaire.
Went to Target to look at discounted Christmas stuff but apparently it’s Valentine’s Day now.
“My name is Robert and I support apples.”
— Bob for apples
God: And then let’s send in murder hornets
Angel: Wait, murder hornets? So they can’t go outside?
God: Not a big deal, they’re all quarantined because of Coronavirus
Angel: What if they end up allowed to go back outside?
God: Did you not just hear about the murder hornets?
Interviewer: And what are your long term goals?
Me: I was thinking cremation.
A woman is able to conjure up superhuman strength when her child is in danger and when she wants to rearrange the furniture.
*sips iced coffee*
man I’ve been feeling so anxious lately
*has another iced coffee*
I wonder why I had that panic attack the other night
*chugs redbull*
my social anxiety has been a waking nightmare
*takes a bath in cold brew and espresso with a 5 hour energy face mask*
Yeah ok whatever, bassist. Stand over there being all tall and quiet and keeping the rhythm together. Just look at the drummer and exchange your little knowing glances like you know you want to.
*taps Canadian
*mumbles “Apple starts with…”
“Eh?”
*whispers “Your blood type?”
“Eh?”
*mutters “Best grade?”
“Eh?”
*giggles
*runs away
We’re about two years from funerals starting and ending with, “don’t forget to like, share and subscribe.”
Watching married people in love on twitter is so refreshing…
It would be even more refreshing, if they were married to eachother
If God sent a flood to wipe out humans for being perverts what kinda nasty shit were the dinos into?
Me: *Holding a fist full of lit sparklers* How much for the aggressive incense?
Wine improves with age, I improve with wine.
bigfoot [eating a clown]: hey these might actually be my size
[first day as a vet]
me: what’s the problem
cat: meow
me: yes but where
“Bro check out that DILP.”
“Where? Wait what’s a DILP?”
“Dog I’d Like to Pet.”
Netflix needs a notification that says ‘Do you want to watch something or not?’ for when couples are taking too long to decide
[bum holds his hand out]
“can I have some change?”
change comes from within
“thank u. now I’m not poor anymore”