HEY GRAPEFRUIT, know what else is a grape AND a fruit? GRAPES. yeah. so get your own name you citrus idiot
You Might Also Like
Call your laptop what it really is: Bed TV.
Please. My avocado. It is so sad.
A lot of people have been asking me why I’ve been wearing this hat so much lately and the answer is much more ridiculous than you’d expect. It doesn’t fit my head when I have hair so I’m getting the most out of it while I can.
gf: its over I can’t be with someone so cheap with such a bad temper
me: arghhh *grabs lamp and places it on it’s side against the wall*
seems the leprechauns have supply chain issues just like everybody else
hey Disney-Pixar here’s an idea maybe make a movie where the daughter ACTUALLY LISTENS TO HER FATHER
My wife’s filthy toenail cut my leg in bed & now I can levitate & hear time.
*eats an entire box of cereal in one sitting*
Wtf there’s no prize in this?
“Sir, we don’t sell cereal. This is Petsmart.”
Got a booty text from my ex-husband so I did the logical thing and forwarded it to his new girlfriend.
[someone breaks into my house] excuse me, we take our shoes off in this house
Every chair is a reclining chair when you’re drunk.
Me, 48 hrs after agreeing to let shit go: “Okay, lemme ask you somethin-“
Please don’t block me. 🤣🤣🤣
Twitter: “Where people are openly Gay and secretly Republican”
The irony is that if we had a vaccine against stupid, those who need it most wouldn’t get it.
CAMEL 1: Hey can u hold this for me for one sec?
CAMEL 2: I would but I kinda have a lot on my back right now..
CAMEL 1: It’s one straw Marvin don’t be like that
WORM: Why do caterpillars think they are better than us?
OTHER WORM: *is drowning in a very shallow puddle*
[first day on wind farm]
me: *placing bucket under turbine* what do I squeeze
I’m offended my cat won’t let me use her as a squishmallow
[horror movie in 2169]
The killer creeps up behind the college co-eds and JUST STARTS THROWING GLUTEN EVERYWHERE
[entire audience faints]
I #respectfully #trot when you let me cross the street in front of you. I salute the #power of the automobile.
oh you’re playing music at the beach?? you think your taste in music is superior to poseidon’s 24/7 ambient mixtape???
I put “the rap” in therapy.
Yo, yo.
Emotional baggage, bitter like cabbage. Rollin up the green like a Hulked out savage. Burger, Inc.
interviewer: so mr long legs what are your qualifications for the position of web designer
spider: haha, mr long legs was my father, you can call me daddy
Hot singles over 40 in your area are curious what you use for joint pain and inflammation.
[Commercial for condoms]
*a baby cries*
NARRATOR: Condoms
I was raised catholic which means I have to close my eyes when I peel a banana.
I’ve had a lot of frank conversations with my daughters about the perils of growing up, drugs and boys and strangers and whatnot, but the one lesson I hope that sticks above all others is how they must be very, very careful about what they do to their eyebrows.
If my eyes dart left, it means I don’t understand you. If my eyes dart right, it means there’s a tray of those mini sandwiches I like.