Why is everyone so obsessed with the idea of love? If you’re dying to be hurt so badly, I’ve got a baseball bat for that.
Hey “greatest generation” why is every thrift store filled with ceramic clowns
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My daughter forgot to bring her lunch to school today. It was delicious.
Sushi’s just never quite as good re-heated the next day.
[first day as a ghost]
BOSS: ur job is to scare people
ME: *whispering to millennials* you’ll never pay off ur student loans
“Well gentlemen… the steaks are high.”
*two steaks giggle*
“Hehehe omfg he totally knows, man…”
“Your breathing holes are very nicely shaped”
Flirting is so easy
? THE CORONAVIRUS
-Alone time – Might die
-Can horde toilet
Titanic passenger: iceberg
Titanic chef: no its romaine
Passenger: *pointing* iceberg!
Chef: oh no!
Chef: we’ve served you the wrong salad
When you’re a kid and you have an accident you pee your pants. When you’re an adult and you have an accident you have a kid.
Anyone know any Sausage Biscuits looking for a job?