Hey “greatest generation” why is every thrift store filled with ceramic clowns

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Why is everyone so obsessed with the idea of love? If you’re dying to be hurt so badly, I’ve got a baseball bat for that.


My daughter forgot to bring her lunch to school today. It was delicious.


[first day as a ghost]
BOSS: ur job is to scare people
ME: ok
ME: *whispering to millennials* you’ll never pay off ur student loans


“Well gentlemen… the steaks are high.”

*two steaks giggle*

“Hehehe omfg he totally knows, man…”



-Alone time – Might die
-Cool facemasks
-Can horde toilet
paper without
seeming weird
-Might die


Titanic passenger: iceberg

Titanic chef: no its romaine

Passenger: *pointing* iceberg!

Chef: oh no!


Chef: we’ve served you the wrong salad


When you’re a kid and you have an accident you pee your pants. When you’re an adult and you have an accident you have a kid.