@MikeHeraly

Hey “greatest generation” why is every thrift store filled with ceramic clowns

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@AintNoFamily

Why is everyone so obsessed with the idea of love? If you’re dying to be hurt so badly, I’ve got a baseball bat for that.

@Peauxtassium

My daughter forgot to bring her lunch to school today. It was delicious.

@dafloydsta

[first day as a ghost]
BOSS: ur job is to scare people
ME: ok
[later]
ME: *whispering to millennials* you’ll never pay off ur student loans

@crunkdumpster

“Well gentlemen… the steaks are high.”

*two steaks giggle*

“Hehehe omfg he totally knows, man…”

@DrakeGatsby

? THE CORONAVIRUS

PROS: CONS:
-Alone time – Might die
-Cool facemasks
-Can horde toilet
paper without
seeming weird
-Might die

@LlamaInaTux

Titanic passenger: iceberg

Titanic chef: no its romaine

Passenger: *pointing* iceberg!

Chef: oh no!

Passenger:

Chef: we’ve served you the wrong salad

@marknorm

When you’re a kid and you have an accident you pee your pants. When you’re an adult and you have an accident you have a kid.