cats are so dumb how do u only learn how to say one word ur entire life
“Hey! Guess what just popped in my head?!?” — My dying words if I had an aneurysm
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i’ve found my new favorite subculture
I’m returning this head of lettuce. It tastes awful.
“Sir, that’s a loofah.”
Oh. I’m returning this loofah. Someone took a bite out of it.
Stamps be like “lick me and put me in the corner”
Of course I’m a leader, if you count leading astray.
Most unrealistic scene in Pacific Rim? Hundreds take shelter in a bunker during a monster attack. Not one person is tweeting.
My young nephew said that people with glasses should only be able to marry other people with glasses. He’s like a tiny Republican senator.
If McDonald’s was smart they’d serve breakfast until 2pm on the weekends.
“I have a particular set of spills,” Liam Neeson says, eyeing his soiled shirt.
He looks for a napkin but the last one’s already been Taken.
duolingo: he is a boy
me: él es un niño
duolingo: she is a girl
me: ella es una niña
duolingo: can i make it anymore obvious