“Hey! Guess what just popped in my head?!?” — My dying words if I had an aneurysm
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Every time.
gf: u wanna put something dirty on tv
me: *seductively drapes my socks on television*
One time a cute guy I liked mooned his friend as a prank but there was a tiny piece of toilet paper in his crack & it haunts me to this day
Phone
Me: *rushed* I’ll be there but I need to get the chocolate rice crispies cereal out of my hair first
Person: How…
Me: I don’t want to talk about it
SUPERMAN: *lifts an entire aircraft carrier*
THAT ONE GUY AT THE GYM: But what you really want is reps.
I have no idea where my birth certificate or social security card are, but here are 417 receipts from Target from the past 2 years.
Anyone else’s grandma used to slip them a five dollar bill like the mob bribing a witness not to testify?
“…just don’t tell your mother.”
A cat is the animal equivalent of the girl who hated you for no reason in high school.
Check out this list number 5 is awesome.
1.
2.
3.
4.
5.awesome
Joseph Campbell: Follow your bliss.
Marie Kondo: Spark joy every day.
My doctor: Everything you love is bad for you.
Me:
date: I like to tell dad jokes
me: does he laugh?
date: what
You got this…
I was sad to have to throw my son out of home, but it was either him or the cat.
It was obvious from the camera angle it was AMC killing it’s viewers. #TWDfinale
Seductively sings in Klingon.
You are all invited to my murder shed, I mean my shed
I’m not saying Coke is better, I’m just saying I’ve never heard anyone order a Jack and Pepsi.
My 7 year old’s Christmas wish list includes:
– a typewriter
– a boom box for his cassettes
– a book to learn cursive handwriting
– fountain pensWhat year does he live in??
Idk if anyone else has experienced this but I don’t like when things negatively affect me
ME: so this is what it sounds like when doves cry
SUBWAY GUY: all I said was we were out of meatballs
In my 20s: I’m gonna live forever!
In my 40s : uh oh
A guy hands me a lit doobie at a party. I panic and pretend to play it like a tiny trumpet.
Spiraling into madness while watching the slow texter’s dots bounce
friend: wait, so she really left you because of how you pronounce certain words?
me: yeah, so supposebly I pronounce it “expresso” and it makes her exspecially upset, idk
Before you marry someone, try decorating a Christmas tree together.
“I can’t believe you string lights like that, Brad. I’m out.”
Hospitals make mistakes with newborns, so before bringing yours home, check by rubbing its belly. If it curls in and bites you, that’s a cat
My waterproof phone is advertised in commercials with people surfing and kayaking and here I am tweeting in the shower.
Computers are quite simple to explain. You see, they are just like the body. Let’s start with the processor- that’s the brain. The RAM, this I guess is also the brain. Now the hard drive, this too is the brain. The video card is more brain. Ok. I hope this has been helpful.
google just released their AI and all I’m going to say is that ur jobs are safe