Hey Guinevere *knight flips up his visor* Hast thou considered my proposal? Because *unsheathes blade* I’m sword of a big deal.
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Apparently, “in California” wasn’t the right answer to my boss asking where I see myself in five years
Me*taps wife’s shoulder*Whatcha doin?
wife:Meditating
me*still tapping*Why?
wife: It helps me relax
me*still tapping* Is it working?
wife:No
The Genie granted me 1 wish and all I wanted was to be happy.
Now I live with 6 dwarves and work in a mine.
Every day can be sparkly if you stick a fork into a socket.
“Careful, there’s poop on the dance floor.” – how ballet was invented.
Felony is a beautiful name for a girl
If I ran a swamp tour in Florida there’d be a lot of people that wouldn’t make it back to the boat launch.
The best thing people can do in a bear attack is break down emotional barriers.
Convince the bear she’s loved and has value.
Compliment her commitment to her cubs.
“Raising kids AND hunting? How do u find the time?” is a fantastic ice breaker.
BEYONCE: do u like my album
JAY: [thinking to self] if anyone hears this i’ll be ruined
JAY: [out loud] we should make it a tidal exclusive
Me attempting to flirt: So do you also like eating food?
When I pack too much for a short trip.
Thank god my mom keeps forwarding emails on how best to clean and what foods to stock during the pandemic. I haven’t eaten or bathed since I left her house 19 years ago.
Sorry I asked if your grandparents were part of the Halloween display at your house.
It’s raining.
I’m going to be late for work.
I can’t fit my hair in the car.
The 5 most important things to teach my kids:
1. be honest
2. show respect
3. be true to yourselves
4. be kind & generous
5. be humble
6. to count
I can finish The Times’ crossword in under five minutes but I struggle to eat the whole paper
Saving my good tweets for marriage
*shows up at your potluck with a handful of McDonald’s ketchup packets*
Name a cuter carnivore than a penguin. I’ll wait.
Excluding leopards sleeping high in tree branches. Or fossa. And meerkats, obviously.
Okay so name an aquatic carnivore that’s cuter. Ha! You can’t. Except maybe otters and baby sea turtles I guess, you know what, forget it.
Went gluten-free and already lost 15 friends in the first week!
Ro-Ro-Robocop,
Gently down the stream,
Merrily, merrily, merrily, merrily,
Killing bad guys in old Detroit in revenge for his murder.
Y’all I saw eyes in the forest on my walk tonight and got kind of scared until I used my flashlight and now I’m DYING
It’s not a coincidence that so many blues songs start with “Woke up this morning…”
Sperm Can’t Remember Why It Came Into Womb
My favorite part about family dinner is when my brother says how he made 600K last year and I get to say someone made a clock of my Avi.
PORCUPINE LAWYER: I object, your Honor! He’s badgering the witness!
BADGER LAWYER: Your Honor, he’s being a prick!
SKUNK JUDGE: [slamming gavel] Odor! Odor in the court!
[At bar]
BARTENDER: I dont think she wants to talk man
ME: [dabbing on pickle juice as cologne] I think I know what the ladies want pal
2022 just sounds like you lost track while counting
When I say “we’ll see” there’s a 100% chance it’s not happening. I might throw in an “oooooo that sounds fun” for decoration but it’s still not happening…😁
Not muting your mic is the new reply all