Hey gurl, were you taped to the inside of a birthday card from my grandmother? Cause you’re a dime.
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“i’m going to give them a piece of my mind” no you should hang onto those you’re running out
My 3-year-old wanted to wash dishes but the dishes weren’t dirty enough for her so she lost her shit. Sometimes 3-year-old’s really *takes deep breath* test your patience.
I’m going to go to a carpet store and act like “Crystal Mauve” is a color that everybody knows.
My cable froze and Ray Liotta was staring at me for like 30 minutes. It changed me, man.
My heart says food, food and more food…but my jeans say, for the love of God, eat salad😪
GOD: I gave you my son.
MAN: You mean your only son?
GOD (thinking about his other son who dropped out of a visual & performing arts program to travel and find himself): Yes.
My date spent all night telling me that she loved Bad Boys – Then seemed disappointed when we got back to mine and I put the DVD on.
He said he thinks I’m resilient to everything, so I thanked him, but on second thought, he may have low key called me a cockroach
It’s not a good date unless it ends with you slowly walking off into the ocean like Godzilla.
“Hello, customer support. How may I help you? You’re looking for a refund? What seems to be the problem?… I understand. Please hold while I direct your call to our mean person.”
*tries to turn on TV*
TV: I have a boyfriend
Lions do NOT share. If you try to give them half a hoagie, they will take it, plus your half, plus your arm, plus I am inside a lion.
DeBeers ad: *Close up of eyes tearing up then a block of parmesan reggiano – man gets down on one knee*
This year, let them know it’s forever with an investment of 3 months salary in cheese.
I want to win a contest where you get a line in a movie. And I want that line to be about the chili dog I’m eating. And I’m going to keep screwing up that line. And they’re going to have to keep bringing me chili dogs.
The only thing keeping most of you from having a great dating life is…
Your spouse 🤷
washing machines need a ‘good luck’ setting for the things you’re not sure are machine washable but you’re about to find out
[posing for mugshot]
“now turn forward”
[flash]
lemme see
Lawyer: Is there any chance they’ll find the victim’s DNA on your clothes?
Me: No way, I used a lint roller.
Lawyer: Wait what?
Me: Yeah just *pantomiming a lint roller*
Me: I love you
Wife: I will testify against you if required
No one:
Absolutely no one:
My 5yo: I wanna know how people break out of jail.
i just overheard this conversation from my family and i honestly give up jesus christ
sister: the bus driver earlier had sunglasses on + it’s been raining all day
dad:
sister: i wonder why. maybe he was blind?
dad: oh yeah, maybe
[they watch tv in silence]
me: ?????
*in bed*
me: finally sweet sweet sleep
brain: i wonder what it would feel like to lay an egg
If I ask “Where’s the remote?” & you say “Next to the TV,” you get a punch in the throat becuz THAT’S THE OPPOSITE OF WHY WE HAVE A REMOTE.
Watching people try to find a lost car in a parking lot is oddly soothing
My kids persuaded me to buy Peppa Pig pasta shapes, and tonight I’ll be testing their understanding of irony by making them bacon pasta for dinner.
ME: Is it “mince meat” or “minced meat”?
NEIGHBOR: What? Did you find my cat or not
ME: I’m getting to that
MEDIC ALERT BRACELET:
Do not resuscitate. Erase the selfies on my phone or I will Amityville your house.
[job interview]
BOSS: biggest weakness?
ME: I never know when to quit
BOSS: that’s ok, ur hired
ME: I quit
When society eventually breaks down and we are left to rebuild civilization, I hope there are people who still know how to make cheese.
Today’s meltdown brought to you by me, who wouldn’t let 4 ride his bike unless he put on underwear, at a minimum