@comer310

Hey gurl, were you taped to the inside of a birthday card from my grandmother? Cause you’re a dime.

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@Havish_AF

-Brain: Too expensive, you’ll never wear it. Don’t buy this dress.
-Heart: But what are you going to wear if someone takes you to a ball in their castle in France?

@

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@AFP

#BREAKING Egypt, Russia sign contract to build Egypt’s first nuclear plant

@

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@3sunzzz

M: I just can’t find the words.

H: She’s kidding, give her a minute.

@TitaniumToplass

use words like ‘perpendicular’ when you language at people so they think you is good with vocabularying

@Ooft_Headshot

Toy Story has resulted in me not being able to throw away my childhood toys in case they get depressed and want to kill themselves.

@JB4Realz

“Y’ever wonder why the TARDIS is square on the outside but round on the inside?”

*SuperCuts lady finishes my haircut without another word*

@midnightwhale

[police station]
“sir you get one phone call.”
[calls 911]
“hello 911 what’s your emergency?”
yeah a bunch of pricks are holding me hostage.