[During acupuncture]
Voodoo doll: OWWWWWWCH
You Might Also Like
daughter: what if the easter bunny actually is a huge rabbit
me: heh what else could it be
daughter: [leaves]
me: [alone w my thoughts] what else could it be
Fake nerd girl: I love Star Wars! I’m a big fan!
True fan: Oh yeah? Harass five cast members. I’ll wait
Hell, it’s the 70s all over again. Cheap gas, shaggy hair and no where to go
I hate it when I’m outside & an insect lands & crawls on my glasses & for a split second I think aliens have invaded.
How do i tell my physiotherapist that this isn’t an old sports injury but that time i did a coyote ugly dance at the bar and slipped off the table
“The following program is intended for mature audiences only”
Me: *leaves room
I cross my legs because I’m a lady and classy and I really need to pee.
“I can’t please everybody.”
“You’re not pleasing anybody.”
“So you agree with me.”
My son asked me today how old Earth was and I told him over 4 billion years old. To which he then asked, “Ok so, how old were you when it was born?”
So if anyone asks, I guess I’m 4 billion and 40 years old.
Establish dominance by walking around a Spirit Halloween dressed as Santa Claus.
My daughter, age 6, is into playing Would You Rather and her questions are not for the faint of heart, i.e., “Would you rather have eyes, or a grandma?”
In today’s installment of “getting absolutely wrecked by my child” I present her commentary on dinner:
“You did the best you could.”
all i’m saying is if you genuinely think the up-scaled gorilla would ever beat the NUCLEAR-POWERED GIANT LIZARD MONSTER in a fight then i fundamentally don’t understand you as a person
looking for new reply guys.. mine are sleeping on the job
This guy at the bar just said nobody gets off earth alive. And he and his buddies sat there for a second before the chick in the middle says “what about astronauts” and I love her
how terrible do you think Maria von Trapp’s life had to be that she included “doorbells” on her list of favorite things
Me: I’ve applied for Canadian citizenship
Him: You’ll be sorry
Me: I sure hope so
My daughter helped make dinner and decided to cook the entire box of spaghetti so if any of you gets hungry in like the next month and half hit us up
Me: Don’t make this weird
Brain: Sucks helium and laughs like Woody Woodpecker
If you can diet in October around all the Halloween candy-you’re either dying or practicing witchcraft.
The me who had a cocktail and then signed up to bake 200 holiday cookies, chaperone the field trip, and decorate the classroom door, and the me who has to actually do all that this week are two very different people.
[Toothpaste Laboratory]
Dentist 1: Yes
Dentist 2: Yes
Dentist 3: Yes
Dentist 4: Yes
Dentist 5: Not so fast…
*undercover cop knocks* Hi fill out this survey to win a free IPad!
1. name
2. address
3. email
4. where are drugs
*mustache falls off*
If she says “do you notice anything different about me?” just jump into a gorilla enclosure or something
Nobody is looking…here’s my chance…😂😏🐶
As a seasoned negotiator, I’ve created a complex list of demands that my children must complete before I’ll buy myself a foosball table. I mean buy them a foosball table
I’m not petty, but when someone is tailgating me I spray my windshield washer fluid and the payoff is seeing them turning on their wipers.
I just need to go ahead and admit it.
I’m not mature enough to live in a state called Idaho
We’ve been sending transmissions into space for 100 years, so of course aliens avoid us. Earth is the douchebag at the beach blasting music on their bluetooth radio.