@KKAlThani

Hey guys, I have to lettuce you know that I spend half of my celery on vegetables. You carrot stop eating them but that’s just my onion.

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@stevetweeters

Oops. Everyone brought their “see you next year”s to work today and I only brought my throat slashing gesture.

@InternetHippo

ah yes, halloween. the scary day. the day when everything is terrifying. unlike the other normal days of this year

@Shade510

* eats all the leftover pie I can’t fit in the fridge.

* starts “Practical Solutions” YouTube channel.

@SeanINCypress

Movies taught me that if your kid is talking to ghosts, alone in their room, leave that brat in there, and run while you’re still alive.

@AmericanGent69

{after 1st date}
Her: *texts* I left my keys in your car. Locked out. It’s freezing.

Me: *waits 3 days to reply so I don’t look desperate

@PopSlapFunk

I don’t mean to brag about my patience, but I just waited 5 whole seconds before passing a student driver and flicking them off.

@KyleMcDowell86

[yelling at a maple tree] Release your pancake sauce to me you piece of shit

@funnyordie

Shouts out to the Trump Tower suction cup guy for being the second craziest person to ascend that building.

@Vodkantots

I’m starting to think the other moms might not like my nicknames for their kids.

@JillianKarger

DATE: what’s your favorite movie?

ME: Se-seven-en

DATE: you mean Se7en? it’s just seven spelled with a 7 instead of a V

ME: *scoffs* you really think the creators of a great movie like Se-seven-en would do something that dumb