Hey guys, I have to lettuce you know that I spend half of my celery on vegetables. You carrot stop eating them but that’s just my onion.

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Oops. Everyone brought their “see you next year”s to work today and I only brought my throat slashing gesture.


ah yes, halloween. the scary day. the day when everything is terrifying. unlike the other normal days of this year


* eats all the leftover pie I can’t fit in the fridge.

* starts “Practical Solutions” YouTube channel.


Movies taught me that if your kid is talking to ghosts, alone in their room, leave that brat in there, and run while you’re still alive.


{after 1st date}
Her: *texts* I left my keys in your car. Locked out. It’s freezing.

Me: *waits 3 days to reply so I don’t look desperate


I don’t mean to brag about my patience, but I just waited 5 whole seconds before passing a student driver and flicking them off.


[yelling at a maple tree] Release your pancake sauce to me you piece of shit


Shouts out to the Trump Tower suction cup guy for being the second craziest person to ascend that building.


I’m starting to think the other moms might not like my nicknames for their kids.


DATE: what’s your favorite movie?

ME: Se-seven-en

DATE: you mean Se7en? it’s just seven spelled with a 7 instead of a V

ME: *scoffs* you really think the creators of a great movie like Se-seven-en would do something that dumb