So if you want to be sure your internet history is deleted, just whisper ‘please delete my internet history’ into any hole on the computer
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HER: I’m leaving!
ME: Is it because I always put Doritos in your shoes?
*she just turns & walks away*
(crunch)
(crunch)
(crunch)
(crunch)
I’d argue, but it’s like talking to a wall.
I wanted to go see the Queen reunion concert but I am just a poor boy from a poor family…
The Shining is on…
…can’t decide if I should watch it or just keep living it.
me: you can’t take a joke
joke thief: what
My toddler gave me his Christmas list and it’s ridiculous. Like a majority of this stuff sounds completely made up. “Robot crab that transforms”? Why would anything like that even exist?
*checks Amazon*
I wonder if he’d like that crab in red or blue
one time my dad walked in on me smoking an E cig and made me eat a whole pack of batteries
It would be so much less cinematic if they remade The Crow but it was a movie called The Seagull and it’s just a guy who runs about screaming for no reason and steals people’s food.
Amazon is a $250 billion dollar company that reacts to you buying a vacuum by going THIS GUY LOVES BUYING VACUUMS HERE ARE SOME MORE VACUUMS
Me, at the arby’s drive-thru: i didn’t hear you, can you repeat that?
arby’s cashier: {yelling} can you turn your police siren off?!
<during sex>
Me: Can we pretend I didn’t just call you Uncle Joe?
Her: Not sure, it’s pretty disturbing.
Uncle Joe: It didn’t bother me.
I was having a shitty Thursday. Then my ex texted me. Now I’m having a shitty Valentine’s Day as well.
The only time I get anxiety is when I’m picking up a prescription for my wife and the pharmacists asks me for her birth date.
How To Write: get as distracted as possible for as long as possible until you are driven to start typing by an overpowering sense of shame.
Where on my donor card do I indicate that my organs are not to be used to save anyone who pronounces it “eck-cetera?”
I see ur bio says ‘Medical Intern’. Can you take a look at this *sends DM of mother-in-laws face* n tell me if it’s infected. It is right?
I was served a subpoena. I distinctly remember ordering a cheeseburger.
This made me laugh more than it should’ve 😭
I don’t want to do exercise, but I want to have done exercise.
*claims pandemic weight as a new dependent on my taxes*
My daughter asked me why my grandfather was a racist, and if she has to become one too
I said it was because his parents didn’t raise him properly, and he was ignorant and full of hate
As she walked away crying I realized she was asking me how he became a race car driver
West Side Story gave me the wrong impression. No one at this gang fight is a good dancer and I’ve been shot in the arm.
Wife: can u pick the kids up from school?
Me blowing on the coffee in my ‘Worlds Best Dad Quarter Finalist’ mug: which school do they go to?
It’s not a beard, it’s an animal I’ve trained to sit very still.
Me: [selling like-new truck on Facebook Marketplace for $27k]
Buyer message: $50
Just spent 45 minutes on the treadmill – tomorrow I think I’ll actually turn it on!
How about a meat that is also a dental floss? – Pitch for prosciutto
[creating humans]
GOD: Make them imperfect…
ANGEL: Okay…done…
GOD: Now make them apologize to Me all the time for being imperfect.
Apparently, changing your profile to “Flirty, dirty and a little squirty” gets you kicked out of Christian Mingle.
dry skin? flaky scalp?
discoloration? scaling?
tongue bifurcating all by itself?
hissing? legs fusing together?
recently evicted a gypsy?