@jwoodham

“Hey guys, I just lost at the Golden Globes!” – Louis CK, brilliantly introducing himself tonight.

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@Bagyants

It’s convenient for my password security needs that my mother’s maiden name is Waffles4%

@tracietom

My kids asked me what people were protesting about on tv so I had to sit them down and very carefully explain that people are still angry about the horrible Mother’s Day gift they bought me.

@JimmerThatisAll

I’m swilling port like a British butler who had a rough afternoon at the races.

@pleatedjeans

“No way!” said the hitchhiker as both he & the driver held up an ax. “I was gonna kill you!” “No I was gonna kill YOU!” eruption of laughter

@realHamOnWry

My girlfriend and I are having a disagreement. She wants a huge wedding with 500 guests and a piano player. I want us to see other people.

@amazymay72x

sure mugger, run away with my purse holding half used lipstick, 1 tampon, maxed out credit cards n negative bank card.

whos laughing now?

@CheryeDavis

I’m glad the Dentist calls me the day before to remind me to cancel my appointment.

@daemonic3

U-HAUL, may I help you?

“You have any moving boxes?”

No all our boxes stay still

“Well you better go- wait what?”

Stop calling here, Dad

@iamspacegirl

God *using a bear to dry his face*

Angel: OMG what are You doing?!

God *wrings it out and drops it on the ground* makin ferrets, calm down