It’s convenient for my password security needs that my mother’s maiden name is Waffles4%
“Hey guys, I just lost at the Golden Globes!” – Louis CK, brilliantly introducing himself tonight.
You Might Also Like
Unsuspecting male: So what kind of restaurants do you like?
Me: Open ones.
My kids asked me what people were protesting about on tv so I had to sit them down and very carefully explain that people are still angry about the horrible Mother’s Day gift they bought me.
I’m swilling port like a British butler who had a rough afternoon at the races.
“No way!” said the hitchhiker as both he & the driver held up an ax. “I was gonna kill you!” “No I was gonna kill YOU!” eruption of laughter
My girlfriend and I are having a disagreement. She wants a huge wedding with 500 guests and a piano player. I want us to see other people.
sure mugger, run away with my purse holding half used lipstick, 1 tampon, maxed out credit cards n negative bank card.
whos laughing now?
I’m glad the Dentist calls me the day before to remind me to cancel my appointment.
U-HAUL, may I help you?
“You have any moving boxes?”
No all our boxes stay still
“Well you better go- wait what?”
Stop calling here, Dad
God *using a bear to dry his face*
Angel: OMG what are You doing?!
God *wrings it out and drops it on the ground* makin ferrets, calm down