Nobody:
The Sun: I’m gonna make your underwear turn into a damp rolled up towel so you walk like you just rode a horse
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there should be a drug that makes you addicted to cleaning the apartment
My problem is I always think I can get ready in 15mins when I have repeatedly proven that I can’t 😂
Her: I like dogs
Me: *dies in 10-13 years*
Getting married is easy, staying married is hard.
Just ask my girlfriend, her husband drives her crazy.
Don’t forget to sacrifice your own personal goals to live up to someone else’s expectations today!
Every escape room should have a planted person that makes hotter/colder faces when somebody has an idea.
super glad this box of pasta says “store in a cool dry place” because i usually keep all of my groceries in a bog
Me: [Alone in our kitchen making a sandwich]
My teeanager: Why are you trying to embarrass me?
[Batman Begins]
BRUCE WAYNE: *wearing the mask and practicing Batman voice in mirror* be honest what do you think
ALFRED: perhaps pants, Master Bruce
Me: death by loneliness? Is that even a thing?
Fortune teller, shrugs: look honestly I had never heard of it until you walked in
Is a rivalry between 2 vegetarians still called Beef?
(Writing in food journal)
me: for lunch I had sa………
trainer: (interrupting) salad. awesome.
me: sake.
Part of being a woman means you can break your leg or be having a cardiac arrest & a nurse will still ask when your last period was.
I just have to continue with these drinking jokes. I think they’re hilarious.😂
My chihuahua’s basically a tiny cartel kingpin who’s scared of the rain.
Having to shovel is so rude. It’s like I have to clean up after the earth, too?
You washed your hands? Be honest. Your hands washed each other, and you just watched like a sick freak.
I just want to be on record as saying that 2020 is probably not the right year for this
“Follow your heart,” as advice, is sort of like “abandon yourself to cognitive bias.”
A fun thing to do is comment “that ain’t the girl you were with at the bar the other night” on all my married friends Facebook family photos
People always ask me if my problem kid is the middle child but my husband is the oldest.
The kids left w/my parents for a week. I plan to run around the house for an hour yelling “woo hoo”, but after that my schedule is wide open
Youtube cooking video: and you can add a little of this if you have some lying around
Me: I promise you I do not
Van Gogh: “Dude, I saw this hella vase of sunflowers today.”
Gauguin: “Pics, or it didn’t happen.”
[van gogh pulls out oil paints & easel]
My husband just bought ice cream with raisins. So, that was a fun marriage.
To whoever has my voodoo doll, can you stop making me stare at my phone all day? This isn’t funny. I just want to live life again.
This morning, my 3 year old son emerged from our bedroom wearing several of my wife’s scarves and every bracelet she owns. I know he’s young, and saying this may make me appear close-minded and intolerant, but I don’t want him growning up to be Johnny Depp.
Forget the dress guys….. What color am I?
“Are you okay?”
Me anytime I meet someone named Annie.