Hey guys, if you cross the seven seas by yourself you’ve committed the seven deadly swims thanks for your time
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they smoked a joint and
overthrew the government.
now that’s a high coup
scientist: don’t touch anything
me: [licked a petri dish already] got it
…20 minutes later
scientist: did you touch something
me: no
scientist: you’re changing colors just tell me what you touched and i’ll save you
me: [about to die] i didn’t touch anything i swear to god
A teacher is always just one loud fart away from losing control of a classroom.
My husband was unable to find his coat earlier as he’d accidentally hung it up.
*Leans head up to wife as I’m dying*
Me: My only regret is…
*Coughs loudly*
Me: …not having something cooler to say as I die.
*Dies*
When I go jogging, I listen to a portable CD player, so people think I’ve been running for 10 years.
Me, looking for my phone: *calls it 5 times*
Me, finding my phone: Wow! I have 5 missed calls.
There comes a point in every parent’s life when they notice the soap and shampoo they bought for their kids isn’t getting used up nearly as quickly as it should be.
The hardest things to say:
(1) I need help
(2) Worcestershire
I put JIF Peanut butter in the mousetraps and although I didn’t catch any mice I did manage to snag 3 choosy mothers.
Worth the read.
Watching all these killer whales attacking boats is giving me an orcasm. I’m sorry.
Went into my 11yo’s room and found a loose leaf paper full of dried up boogers, in case you’re looking for reasons to stay on birth control.
[First day as villain]
Me: [Emails a co worker and then calls them about it immediately]
[hosting a kids show]
ME: ok everybody, what time is it?? say it loud!!
KIDS: OWL! TOUCHING! TIME!
[camera zooms in on a startled barn owl]
My favorite Bible story is the one where thousands more people show up to Jesus’ party than RSVP’d but he still had enough cake for everyone
Responding to someone putting on their jacket, picking up their bag, turning towards the door and walking away by asking “you off?”
i wish someone just lost their shit over me like a rooster does the sunrise.
[arrest]
ME: you’ve got the wrong g-
COP: tell it to the judge
[court]
ME: your honor, that cop has the wrong glasses for his face shape
Bury me next to a kangaroo skeleton and put boxing gloves on me.
Teens be like, “This is the worst day of my life” and it’s just they were told to unload the dishwasher.
“you changed” bro i was 15
Can we talk about your pleated, cuffed corduroys, or are we just going to let it happen?
[before sex]
her: can u put something on
me: sure
her: is that just the jeopardy theme song
me: no
her:
me: it’s the whole episode
Wife thinks I bought way too many presents. Hah! It’s just one jigsaw puzzle with the pieces wrapped individually
My house is almost 80 years old, so are some of the spiders, judging by the size of them.
Some choices are easier than others:
An emergency doctor’s appt vs a much needed hair appt.
At least if I die my hair will be cute.
SHOUT OUT TO ALL THE WEATHER REPORTERS RISKING LIFE & LIMB SO WE CAN ALL KNOW WHAT A 130MPH HURRICANE LOOKS LIKE IN THE DARK!
A ninja turdle is when you poop really fast.
kids: can we get a lollipop at the bank
me: if you’re good *pulls mask down over my face*