Hey guys is your refrigerator running? Because I don’t like any of the current presidential candidates

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Sex is great, yes but have you ever had water come out of your ear after it stayed there two days after swimming? OMG


Bedible: Any kind of food you can successfully eat in bed without excess crummage or drippage


I was homeschooled so my back to school pics were of me standing in front of the house before I went back inside.


Did the dinosaurs on the Flintstones know that they could eat the people instead of working for them?


My first workout back at the gym was great… I did 15 mins of cardio, 10 mins on the defibrillator, and then 3 days in the hospital.


Just to be clear, when I came over to your house I had no intention of fighting your cat.


*hostage situation*

Our FIRST demand: we want more bullets because we ran out… NO DON’T COME IN HERE


I like to make things awkward on first dates just by shouting “wrong hole!!” at inappropriate times, like when you’re eating.