Hey guys is your refrigerator running? Because I don’t like any of the current presidential candidates
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[hits rock bottom]
rock bottom : *calls 911 for being assaulted*
“You scratch my back and I’ll scratch yours.”
Me: Are you sure you passed dermatology school?
I jump from the skyscraper’s ledge, performing 3 graceful somersault, right into the arms of a hot firefighter. Neither of us survive impact
if you were really my friend, you’d know my favorite kitchen utensil. it’s the ladle. ok we’re friends now.
me: how does this even happen
son: [head stuck in drawer] I dunno
wife: [eating birth control from pez dispenser]
Them: You’ve changed.
Me: hmm doesn’t sound like something I’d do.
Convinced my kid her harmonica didn’t work because the instructions were missing.
Between my education and helping four children with their homework, I’ve studied approximately 27 years of Algebra.
i have never felt this meme more than after listening to Threedom… good job brahs.
me: it’s our third date, you know what this means
him: *confidently* I think I do
me: *saves his number in my contacts*
I didn’t think there’d be a sequel for “To Kill A Mockingbird.” I just assumed that they all lived Harper Lee ever after
Told my kid that he had a viral infection and now he’s excited because he thinks he’s going to be famous online.
Husband: You’re not present or that interested in what I have to say.
Me: I know, right?
I’m at the bar & I’m trying to convince this girl with a leopard print shirt to go & bite this girl with a zebra print shirt.
Donald be careful.
Donald watch out.
Donald look both ways.
Donald Duck!
When my 4 year old asked where babies come from my toddler immediately responded, “mail man.” Now I feel like I owe my husband a phone call and we need to cut back on our online shopping.
Stop screaming. Lots of people rub their eyes with toes.
Either this rapid COVID test is defective or I didn’t pee on it long enough.
Ever wonder what it’s like to work with the public?
I found an old photo of 5 yo me in my dad’s boat and on the back he’d written “my pride and joy” and I’m 99% certain he was referring to the boat
My son started school today. I’m excited to meet all the new illnesses he’ll be bringing home this fall.
My husband has Tourette’s Syndrome—
every time he drives.
“Relax, honey. It’s more scared of you than you are of it.”
ME: I fell off a 50 ft tall ladder once
GIRL: holy cow how did you survive
ME: I fell off the bottom rung
if you eat one piece of bread shortly after you’re born and another piece right before you die, all food is a sandwich
*gains winter weight for “insulation”
*is now fat and cold
Imagine going to the gym and there’s someone on the treadmill on all fours galloping
I gave up my ambition to be a wizard after I accidentally turned a frog into a corporate advertising executive.
Based on their level of excitement, bros in beer commercials seem unaware that you can pretty much buy beer anywhere.
If you stop vacuuming your stairs eventually they become a snack bar for your kids.