Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

“Here, throw this away for me.” ~ People who hand out leaflets.

Can’t wait for this manhunt to be over so I can stop dyeing my hair.

I just donated all my pants with buttons because I don’t need that kind of negativity in my life

Big decision to make? Sleep on it. Have a nightmare. Then you’ll be operating on pure adrenaline and choose more quickly.

Technically, it’s not gluttony if you refer to it as an “Emotional Support Snack”.

Some people say I’m suspicious and adversarial, and they’d better have a goddamn good attorney.

People say I’m not very responsible, when in fact I’m responsible for “pajama casual” being added to the employee handbook as inappropriate.

They say you are what you eat.

*opens a big bag of nuts

only 11 steps left

GIRLFRIEND: So tell me something I don’t already know about you.

ME: During October I call my Dyson ‘Count Vacula’

HER: I need to see other people.

So honored that @funTweeters chose one of my tweets! I absolutely love that site! #FF

A lemonade stand is a good way to teach your kids the value of someone giving you money because they feel sorry for you.

What idiot called it the road to Bethlehem instead of the highway to the manger zone?

how terrible do you think Maria von Trapp’s life had to be that she included “doorbells” on her list of favorite things

GIRLFRIEND: I’m breaking up with you.

ME: Is it because in December I dress my pet pig in red and call it Hamta Claus?

HER: Yes. Yes it is.

If Romeo & Juliet didn’t die and were allowed to marry, they’d have kids, get fat, and eventually hate each other.

So it was a happy ending

You can’t spell fries without friends. I guess what I’m saying is that fries are friends. Delicious friends.

Tonite on House Hunters: Jill wants 4 bedrooms, granite countertops and a home spa. Bob wants to be stabbed in the driveway.

What idiot named her Miley Cyrus’ grandma and not Nana Montana.

How the hell did Charles Manson get like 16 people to murder for him? I can’t even get two kids to brush their teeth.

You can keep your damn ferrets
And your dumb fancy rats
He’s got no time for goldfish
And far less for cats
Snakes are for weirdos
As are lizards and frogs
For him there’s only one choice

Thank god attorneys let us know they’re attorneys “at law” so we don’t assume they’re attorneys at garlic bread or something.

Doctor: Are you allergic to anything?
Me: Cats
Doctor: Anything else?
Me: Grease
Doctor: is that everything?
Me: Most musicals to be honest.

Me: I love peanuts but can’t be bothered chewing them.
Peanut butter salesman: Oh boy, have I got the thing for you!

What do you mean they lied? Pfft. You can’t lie on the internet.

if ur getting chased by a bunch of drunk 90’s kids just yell out “in west Philadelphia born & raised” then u got like 2 min to run

How do you tell your spouse you were fired from SpaghettiOs for honoring Pearl Harbor Day with a smiling cartoon noodle holding a flag?

It’s funny how your tweets are funnier now that I know you’re hot.

-everyone on Twitter

Oh, I don’t need a whole bag of confetti. Just the one confetto will be fine.