Hey, the 1700’s called, they said please invent telephones.
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Catapult: an ancient military device for hurling large objects
Dogapult: an ancient military device for hurling large objects, fetching them, bringing them back, and hurling them again
Kid: Daddy will you sing that song about the cars
Me: Sure buddy: “One of them dames was sexy as hell, I said “oh I like your size.” She said “my car’s broke down and you seem real nice, Would ya let me ride?”
Wife: I think he means wheels on the bus…
Woke up naked in my neighbor’s boat again. I’ve got to stop watching titanic when I’m drinking.
Spider van
Spider van
How do spiders drive a van?
10 on top
10 below
Where would you like to go?
Get in.
Get in the Spider Van.
Crime would drop to 0% if police uniforms were scary clown costumes. “Put your hands up and state your favorite balloon animal!”
There are two kinds of people here
1. Those who tried deleting another person’s tweet or reply.
2. Liars
I can walk up to any dog, rub its butt and make a friend. That trick only works about half the time on people.
I found a flea on my dog and sprayed him down with a homemade vinegar solution and now I know what pickled dog smells like.
Mirror mirror on the wall, please make me look like a mix between emaciated and “I’d hit that.”
I lost my job because my manager heard me slapping one of the customers. He wasn’t even at work. He heard from home.
My weird paranoid neighbor, shreds all her mail and closes all the shades.
But never locks her basement window.
Dating tip: Men find mysterious woman alluring, so keep the spark alive by occasionally acting like a lunatic possessed by the devil.
“Can I have one?”
“Only if you do the thing.”
“Do I have to?”
“Yes, and you have to do the voice.”
“𝘴𝘪𝘨𝘩… Harry Potter must not return to Hogwarts!”
My kids have strategically placed items in an overflowing garbage can like they’re building a Jenga puzzle.
Have kids. It’s fun.
Its trashy to reveal your special attack on the first date
wordle is optional. y’all complain so much, just wanted to remind you
Me: What are you excited to see at the aquarium?
2: Giraffes!
Me: There’s only water animals there
2: Cows!
Is it socially acceptable to aim a leaf blower directly into the mouth of someone annoying you?
How does Super Mario contact his dead brother?
Using a Luigi board!
What if I never *dramatic pause* sleep *dramatic pause* a- *falls asleep during third dramatic pause*
Me: *looking at phone*
Her: *says something*
Me: Uh huh.
Her: *says something*
Me: Uh huh.
Her: Oh, yay! I was afraid you’d say it was too expensive.
Me: Crap.
My teeth are so crooked they should run for office.
Body: go to sleep
Brain: what country has the largest population of goats? Better run a search on this
Beware of the “party goblin”…
According to WebMD, given my symptoms, I died 9 years ago.
The person who stole my identity sent me a sympathy card
DOCTOR: Are you sexually active?
ME: No.
DOCTOR: Are you at least active?
ME: Also no.
The only excuse for the kinds of storms that have been coming is that someone somewhere is losing a game of Jumanji…
If I were a doctor I would become assassinated by the insurance industry after publicly evincing the curative properties of a hot dog and a soda
My favorite people are the ones that like to pass judgement on others because they have obviously lead a perfect life