My son just told me he’s changing his clock to military time so he can stay up later. He is not a smart boy.
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text from my dad when lebron broke the record
The me who had a cocktail and then signed up to bake 200 holiday cookies, chaperone the field trip, and decorate the classroom door, and the me who has to actually do all that this week are two very different people.
*Makes a meal plan for the week*
*Eats sandwiches every day instead because nobody tells me what to do*
the famous shower scene in Psycho is crazy. she turns on the water & just let’s it hit her in the face before testing it with her hand first
“You know…”
[takes drag of cigarette]
“That energy bar is full of sugar”
[exhales]
INTERVIEWER: what’s your greatest strength?
ME: shape shifting
INTERVIEWER: is that so?
INTERVIEWER: yes
INTERVIEWER: holy shit
Birds are fed by their parents in their infancy. When the time comes to feed themselves, there can be some confusion when the food does not go into their mouth by itself.
Sorry for laughing and pointing when you fell. I just thought clapping would be rude.
my husband has been taking sailing lessons and instead of putting it on our calendar like a normal person he prefers to stand up abruptly, stare out the window, and proclaim “I must go to the sea!”
Why would anyone ever jump OUT of a cake?
I now ask my Dad things like he used to ask me when I was a teenager.
Where are you going? Who are you going with? What time will you be back? Do I know any of these people? Do you have a coat?
The me that wants to lose five pounds and the me that keeps eating cookies need to have a talk.
Sure the Lego botanical sets are great but dusting them is another story.
Changed my outgoing voicemail message to “You have reached the government.”
I feel this pandemic is the worst group project I’ve ever been a part of in my entire life for real.
Sitting here reminiscing about the 3 times I went to the gym in 2019.
[restaurant]
WAITER: are you ready to order
DAD: i’ll have the rabbit stew
WAITER: only if you promise not to say “waiter there’s a hare in my soup” after i bring it
DAD:
WAITER:
DAD: i’ll have the chicken
Cop: know why I pulled you over?
“Hopefully to arrest me.”
Cop: [sees backseat full of screaming kids] sir, please step out of the vehicle
Generally when you hear the phrase “hold my beer and watch this”
Just dial 911
If you knock down a policeman, they’ll get backup.
I can’t believe this dog and a whole family just died because of a forgotten comma
If I was a Premier League manager and my team were playing an 8:15pm midweek match, I’d give my players just one piece of advice before kick-off:
Brush your teeth now and wear your pyjamas under your kit. That way, you’ll be able to go to bed quicker when you get home.
I bought a pregnancy test so the cashier who always serves me when I’m by myself in my pjs, buying ice-cream & chips, thinks I have sex.
5,”So we don’t get to open any presents today?”
Me, “No.”
5, “So basically Thanksgiving is just Christmas for your tummy, right?”
When will I learn that smoking as much as possible before I go to the airport won’t keep me high for my entire flight it’ll just make going through security Terrifying
Am not being sponsored to say this but if you’re tired of straining your pasta by pouring it on to your cupped hands and waiting until the boiling water seeps through, try “colanders”. I’ve just switched to colanders and they’ve made cooking pasta a much less painful experience👍
“Where can I find the paper towels?”
“Who’s asking?”
I don’t push people away, I just do the Macarena
I was riding my bike this morning and a guy yelled “Cow” at me. I turned and gave him the finger…and ran straight into the cow.