Hey guys, remember when you could still refer to your knees as right and left instead of good and bad? Good times.

Hey guys, remember when you could still refer to your knees as right and left instead of good and bad? Good times.

BLACK WIDOW: help I think my husband is dead

911: did u murder him?

BLACK WIDOW: uh

911: ma’am

BLACK WIDOW: *quietly hangs up the phone*

Me:
Hello, darkness…my old friend.

Darkness:
HARD PASS, Chatty Cathy.

Ok, I am now following you. Where are we going? I vote for Arby’s. I love the horsey sauce. I shall bring my own horse.

*invents time machine*

*has an opportunity to right a wrong*

*makes it wronger*

BABY: *cries*
ME: Get in line, buddy.

PUPPY: *cries*
ME: *panicking* OMG, WHAT GREAT TRAGEDY HAS BEFALLEN YOU, MR. NIBBLES?

One nice thing about your 30s is people talk less about figuring themselves out and more about where the best sandwiches are.

girlfriend: [seductively] is there anything new you’d like to try in bed
me: maybe spaghetti but I’d probably make a mess

Flash mobs are so not what I thought. Now I’ve gotta go find my clothes.

Dawn’s coming over.

“Dawn from work, or crazy Dawn?”

*Dawn walks in* “WELL WELL WELL, if it isn’t the lady I’m framing for murder.

relationship goals

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