@missekay

Hey guys, remember when you could still refer to your knees as right and left instead of good and bad? Good times.

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@KalvinMacleod

BLACK WIDOW: help I think my husband is dead

911: did u murder him?

BLACK WIDOW: uh

911: ma’am

BLACK WIDOW: *quietly hangs up the phone*

@acakes421

Me:
Hello, darkness…my old friend.

Darkness:
HARD PASS, Chatty Cathy.

@NapoleonNappy1

Ok, I am now following you. Where are we going? I vote for Arby’s. I love the horsey sauce. I shall bring my own horse.

@GorillaNipples1

*invents time machine*

*has an opportunity to right a wrong*

*makes it wronger*

@truegritrumble

BABY: *cries*
ME: Get in line, buddy.

PUPPY: *cries*
ME: *panicking* OMG, WHAT GREAT TRAGEDY HAS BEFALLEN YOU, MR. NIBBLES?

@TheThomason

One nice thing about your 30s is people talk less about figuring themselves out and more about where the best sandwiches are.

@CornOnTheGoblin

girlfriend: [seductively] is there anything new you’d like to try in bed
me: maybe spaghetti but I’d probably make a mess

@AlyT81

Flash mobs are so not what I thought. Now I’ve gotta go find my clothes.

@Book_Krazy

Dawn’s coming over.

“Dawn from work, or crazy Dawn?”

*Dawn walks in* “WELL WELL WELL, if it isn’t the lady I’m framing for murder.