Hey guys, remember when you could still refer to your knees as right and left instead of good and bad? Good times.
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defendant: *into mic* um can I say something?
defense attorney: NO!
judge: NO!
ghost of dead lawyer: NO!
random stranger: NO!
defendant’s family in courtroom: NO!
prosecutor: YES!!
“My homework ate my dog” -student in python breeding class
shout out to my student loans for being the only one from college keeping in touch
Bruce Wayne: hey, how would you like to take a ride in my batmobi—I mean…brucemobile?
Date: uhh
Bruce: my regular normal carmobile
Ladies, wonder if he’s busy or ignoring your texts? Offer to send nudes. If he instantly responds, he was totally ignoring you before.
When the stylist spins you back around
I just learned to use Instagram, so you guys can all rest assured that it is officially no longer cool.
[Casting Meeting]
Director: Did we get Cruise?
Producer: Tom said he’ll do it if we get Willis.
Me: So we’re Cruise in for a Bruce in?
I’m learning that a large percentage of my students believe they could talk their way out of being sent to a concentration camp.
Don’t call them paint “chips” if you don’t want me to snack on em.
When they say shirts versus skins, they mean your own skin, not someone’s skin you brought from home.
I couldn’t find my car scraper this morning so I had to use a store discount card to scrape the ice. Didn’t really work tho, only got 20% off.
OMG IT’S GOING TO KILL US ALL!!
~ My dog every time I use a broom
DEATH: behold, the four horsemen! The apocalypse is nigh!
ME: You’re all centaurs?!!!
FAMINE: What did you expect?
ME: lol
WAR: STOP LAUGHING!! ALL SHALL PERISH!!
ME: you want a sugar cube?
FAMINE:… Yes
Dear BJ’s,
Either your employees are very rude…
Or, the name of your store is terribly misleading.Sincerely,
An ‘Unsatisfied’ Customer
“Oh yeah, that thing you REALLY liked last time? Well guess what YOU WILL NEVER SEE IT AGAIN”
-Costco.
My circadian rhythm is a cat lost in a corn maze.
[son hands me a picture he painted]
Me: what’s that
Son: it’s our house
Me [walks outside with son]: do you see how it absolutely isn’t?
Me: I just want to taste your chapstick 😏
Her: oh.. 😉 *leans in for a kiss*
Me: *eating her chapstick* oh.
Her: oh.
Take my advice, I’m not using it.
Maybe I’ll make pancakes for breakfast.
*decides to open Twitter
Maybe I’ll make pancakes for dinner.
“It’s too early for porn.” Said no man ever.
A hug and slap are both powerful but not everyone deserves a hug.
Pros & cons of being a skeleton:
Cons: no sex, love, food, friendship, books, music, movies, art..
Pros: you can play your rib cage like a xylophone
I put the “rad” into “gradual descent into madness”
[after solid first date]
Ok play it cool, don’t wanna seem too eager..*texts her 47 years later*
“Had a great time the other night :)”
I’ve found that whenever God closes a door, Satan hands me a lockpick.
I dreamt I was getting attacked by a bike repeatedly.
It was a vicious cycle.
TARGET GUY: anything I can help you find?
ME: I’m looking for *eyes turn black* BLOOD OF THE INNOCENT
TARGET GUY: *eyes turn black* AISLE 5
Something touched my leg while in the ocean and apparently I can walk on water now