Hey guys. Stop touching your wife’s pregnant belly in pictures. We get it, you came in her.
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If I owned a roofing business, I’d call it What in Tar Nation or We’ve Got Shingles or We’re Not Eavesdropping or We Are the Leaders or We Gotchu Covered or
{Olive Garden}
Husband:”Everyone is staring at us.”Me:(In a luchador mask and pink feather boa)”It’s probably because you said no cheese.”
Whenever somebody says “it is what it is” I reply with “and it’s not what it’s not” so they’ll realize just how stupid they sounded
Noah was an idiot.
Interviewer: tell me about your leadership skills
Me: YOU tell ME about my leadership skills
Interviewer: holy shit, you’re hired
Me: I’m sorry, we have to let you go
Interviewer: dammit
I don’t remember daylight savings having this much of an effect on me. Last night I went to bed at 9:30 and this morning I woke up standing in my neighbour’s backyard dressed as a scarecrow.
I developed a very large vocabulary to avoid words I couldn’t spell.
How to fall downstairs……
Step 1
Step 6
Step 9,10,11,12
“I’m a night owl”
all owls are night owls. you are a regular owl.
Daughter just wandered in after being put to bed and I hid the ice cream I was eating like it was a joint.
Have a headache? Eating a carrot can help if you take a Advil after it
Son: When did you have your first self-own?
Me: I made fun of another kid in my class for not knowing what sex was and then I said it meant “whether you’re a girl or a boy” and everyone laughed at me
Son: No, your first CELL-PHONE
I knew that psychic wasn’t legit when she let me write a check.
Me: It’s late. I guess I’ll go to bed.
-My brain, who up until now has always been the logical one “Let’s put up a tent in the living room”
[Bad magician coroner] is this your husband’s body
[widow] no
[Bad magician coroner] isss this your husband’s body
What he says: Ya know, your mom is actually right.
What I hear: So, you have chosen death.
Me neighbor and I just exchanged nods acknowledging we’re both wearing the same outfit as yesterday.
Every work call, he judges.
chip clip: *hears crinkling of bag* hey buddy, you think you’ll be needing me at all
me: not tonight, my friend
I saw jimmy fallon meeting with crab people from outer space. he was giving away our military secrets and laughing at everything they clacked at him with their claws and just generally acting like a piece of shit. you could tell even the crab people were getting uncomfortable
cat: psst it’s 5am time to feed me
me: no go away
cat: okay *proceeds to step directly on my bladder* oops my bad
My family crest is a hand protectively shielding a slice of pie and a Latin motto that translates as “I’m still working on it.”
Doctor told me I only have 6 months to live, maybe 12 if I get enough likes on Facebook.
Sex is great and all but finish your damn Kale!!
Me: you feel like doing something?
Her: sure, I have a few hours to kill
Me: maybe after the killing then
For most people, bikini season lasts a few short summer months; but I catch enough & store them so efficiently I get to eat bikini all year round.
oh so you rich guys throw the water out after you boil hotdogs. too good for hotdog soup. too good to dab the soup on your wrists like colog
“On second thoughts… I’m not hungry!”
Always be careful when you drink and laugh 🤣