@shannon2703

Hey guys wanna watch a girl feel herself up? Hide her cell phone.

You Might Also Like

@CaseyMichelle__

Just got a Cheerio stuck between my toes walking through the kitchen. Clearly my dog isn’t doing his part of the chores around here

@donni

DEFENSE: Your Honor, will you allow my client to escape?
JUDGE: I’ll allow it
PROSECUTOR: Aw WTF
JUDGE: Let’s see where he goes with this

@bourgeoisalien

A skinny friend told me she’s never hungry and just ‘forgets to eat’, so I drove her out to the woods and left her for dead. Is that wrong?

@SatansTongue

Give me a massage
“Mm okay”
*rubs oil all over her*
*things get hot*
*things get too hot*
*she bursts into flames*
“Dang I used petroleum”

@MiniiG

I fall in love too easily.

Wait..

It’s ditches, I fall in ditches too easily

@mattsurely

WOMAN: Is anyone here a doctor?!
MAN: I sure am! And I think I can. Save that man. Like eggs & ham.
W: Shutup Seuss! I meant a real doctor.

@daemonic3

[1st date]

*ok don’t let her know you’re a manatee*

Hi 2 movie tickets OH YOU HAVE MANATEE PRICING?!?

“Sir, do you mean matinee?”

Dammit

@TheToddWilliams

I know it’s International Women’s Day but I’d like to give a shout out to all the national and local women as well.