My husband is in the other room explaining to the cat that even tho we are going to bed early, he (the cat) is welcome to stay up
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me: you ever get half way thru a sentence and completely forget what you were taking about lol
bank teller: something about a gun
Piers Morgan. RT @DavidPressman: Anyone else nude and crying?
If you respond, “A reason for living,” when a store employee asks if they can help you find something, they will leave you alone.
The spaghetti scene in Lady and the Tramp is adorable, but it would never work with humans. Nobody wants to see two dogs sharing a plate of humans.
Someone on Facebook posted “Having the BEST DAY EVER!!”
So I posted the Sarah Mclachlan animal cruelty video in the comments
[Looking at plans for building Rome]
ME: How long will it take u?BUILDER [shrugs] A day at most
ME: Are u sure?!
B: Yeah easy, trust me
Schools: Children need consistency and routine
Also schools: Daily class times will be the lucky numbers from your fortune cookie
I don’t hate kids, I hate sociopathic little assholes raised by yuppie cunts who feel saying “no” will stifle the child’s creativity…
ad: this vacuum cleans the worst messes
my kid: hold my cheerios
my kid: *drops cheerios*
(Shoots my husband in the eye with a Waterpik)
Me: How do you like it?
year 39, month 3: woke up a sentient tangle of meat and calcium again
When older people say, “Enjoy them while they are young.”
They are talking about your knees and hips not your kids.
[BAR]
Me: What do you recommend?
Barkeep: Moscow Mule, Mojito, Old Fashi-
M: [Puts finger to his lips] which tastes the most like Capri-sun?
Possum: They say all your spouses passed away under mysterious circumst– wait are those coon skin hats?
Raccoon: Those are just old wives tails
If there’s one thing that makes me want to throw up, it’s a dartboard on the ceiling.
Me: The whole “terrible two’s” thing is a myth.
Friend: That’s good to know.
Me: It’s actually much worse than that.
Me: *watching the driver of the hearse in front of us jump out, race to the back, open the door, peek in, and slam it shut* Well that’s disconcerting.
Son: Nah, it would be disconcerting if he ran away from the hearse.
Boss: Where were you on Friday?
Me: It was a holiday.
Boss: HALLOWEEN IS NOT A PAID HOLIDAY!
Me: It is if you go as Christmas.
Boss:…
My dream catcher has asked for hazard pay.
date: wow nice body
me: i like working out
date: it shows
me: *bench pressing cadaver* he’s starting to stink tho
According to my email junk folder, I am a very successful Bitcoin trader.
I told my 8yo to stop fighting with her sister, and she said “I’ll stop fighting with my sister when you stop fighting with yours.”
[first date]
{don’t let him know you’re a psychic}
{don’t let her know you’re a psychic}
{we’re both psychic?}
{yeah}
{cool let’s bang}
{k}
My husband got his hand stuck in the dishwasher.
So of course I had to fire her.
As an adult I’ve caused the most trouble by pressing ‘send’
My blood type is A+ because I’m the best at everything. Even at having blood.
The Supreme Court was making history, holding arguments over the phone because of Covid-19, when all of a sudden there was the distinct sound of a toilet flushing.
I thought reverse psychology was when you made your therapist cry
If I ever spend over $300 on shoes, they better have some James Bond shit in them.
Wait, 12 years a slave isn’t about marriage?