@themorris23
Hey guys with the super loud mufflers on their cars. I used to put a baseball card in my bicycle wheel spokes.
I was 12.
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@keatingthomas
They should give Martin Shkreli a six-month prison sentence, and then at the last second, say, “Actually, that just went up 500%.”
@HenpeckedHal
My toddler just spent five minutes explaining that he can’t use his imagination because he traded it to a kid at daycare for some fruit snacks. Ok, bro.
@squirrel74wkgn
Wife: The kid was holding a sparkler.
Me: …I thought her arm was on fire.
Wife: You hosed her down for 9 minutes.
@CandyEmpires
If you honk at me at a light, I turn off my engine, get out and blow up my car. I think it’s important to demonstrate what true commitment to road rage looks like.
@CharmandBrains
*Whispers, spitters are for quitters.
~Wine tasting, you pervs!
@LlamaInaTux
[Being Tortured]
Thug: *lights blowtorch* you know what this is for?
Me: Is it… Is it for creme brulee
Thug: *making creme brulee* I heard you were lactose intolerant
@roxiqt
Sometimes, I feel like everything is garbage & I get overwhelmed but then I imagine how I’d feel if I was a raccoon and suddenly, being surrounded by garbage isn’t so bad. In fact, by raccoon standards, being surrounded by garbage is actually great. Life is about perspective.
@JediGigi
Dating Profile
Sex: Probably
Favorite Food: Yes
Favorite Movie: Star Wars
Favorite Book: LOLZ
@Paige__xxx
Today, I’ve been cleaning. And by cleaning I mean drinking wine and spraying everything with Febreze.