Hey guys with the super loud mufflers on their cars. I used to put a baseball card in my bicycle wheel spokes.
I was 12.
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#AmazingFacts
Failure is not an option,it comes bundled with your Windows 10 software.
Want some raisins?
No thanks.
Want some raisins covered in dark chocolate?
Dammit, I’m in.
I won’t be satisfied until I have enough followers to form sects that fight about how to interpret My tweets until they kill each other.
“The Sun is dying. We need help” the scientists are speechless. Cool Dad kicks in the door & removes his shades “It’s daylight savings time”
ME: *doing deadlifts* more weight
PALLBEARER: *reluctantly adds another body*
I was going to delete that tweet with the typo but then I realized it was upsetting people.
Overheard, my parents, watching the World Cup:
Dad: Who are you routing for?
Mom: I’m routing for it to be over.
I’m not sure which is a gentler way to wake me up; my 2yo or walking barefoot through a pile of glass shards.
I said “You’re not the boss of me” to my boss and it came true.
[spider in house]
me: oh hey buddy, you lost? let me take you outside[ants in house]
me, wildly shooting bug spray: I AM BECOME DEATH, THE DESTROYER OF WORLDS!!
Today is the day I go back to the gym.
Tomorrow is when I stop telling lies.
COMPUTER: Enter password
ME: [types ’14days’]
COMPUTER: Your password is two week
ME: Uh?
COMPUTER: Computer do joke. Computer funny.
Parent drinking game: Anytime a kid drops something and doesn’t pick it up you dri…
aaaaand I’m drunk.
Fig Newton sounds like the name or a British popstar from the 70s.
Time Traveler: “What year is it?”
Me: “2020”
Time Traveler: “oh. Its the first year of quarantine”
Me
I looked up foods that could trigger my acid reflux and decided to embrace the acid reflux.
wife: please be nice to my sister-in-law.
me: i’ll treat her like my own blood.
sister-in-law: hey guys.
me: [screams and passes out]
If you get a tattoo with words, and there is a misspelling, just get a red squiggly line added underneath it and everything’s cool
[drops son off for 1st day at daycare]
“Ok, Mr Hughes, see you at 3 o’clock.”
“Not a chance. He’s your problem now.”
How to be happier:
1. Exercise
2. Lift weight3. When you’ve become stronger due to those exercises, smack the person who made you unhappy.
“Good morning please could I have one human ticket to the water park”
Sir are you a shark in disguise?
*sharks fake eyebrows slide off*
her: thanks for catsitting! everything go okay?
schrödinger: yes and no
Me: a pessimist sees the glass half empty; an optimist see the glass half full.
Wife: [returning from the restroom] why is half my mimosa gone?
Me: because you’re a pessimist.
What exactly do you have to plant to grow a seedless watermelon? Just water?
[Phish concert]
“I have to pee.”
“Go when the song’s over.”
“How will I know?”
Camping? Like sleeping with my bedroom window open?
First Guy To Compare Apples to Oranges: Apples and oranges are pretty similar.
Other Guy: You’re an idiot. That’s like comparing…well…I don’t even know what, but that’s just stupid. This is why nobody likes you, Carl.
Hi, I’d like to order a baby
“Excuse me?”
It says here you deliver babies?
“Sir this is a hospital”
[vampire quickly hangs up phone]
[returning from the bakery]
WIFE: [unpacking bag] I thought I asked you for sourdough.
ME: Things went a-rye.
ME: I got us a penguin!
WIFE: Why would you think I’d want a penguin??
PENGUIN: Maybe not everything is about what you want.
ME: *Points at penguin* That. Yes.