Hey guys with your phone in a hip holster, is it because your purse is too full with tampons?
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“Listen to your body?” dude my body reflexively blows on yogurt just because I’m eating it with a spoon
God: you’re a jellyfish.
Jellyfish: nice.
God: you have no bones.
Jellyfish: ok.
God: and no brain.
Jellyfish: oh.
God: you’re like 95% water and 5% venom.
Jellyfish:
God: you’re H2OhNo lol.
Hotel clerk: You’re eligible for a room upgrade
Me: Sweet!
Clerk: Exactly
“It’s pronounced poor-shah, not por-shh.”
“Ok, got it doo-shah.”
When you don’t understand how floors work
Fun fact: if you say “I did the math,” nobody argues with you because they don’t want to have to redo the math themselves.
who called them sea lions and not soggy doggies
My wife was cross when my 2yo broke a Chinese spoon this morning & I said it was “just Wonton destruction” & honestly it did not go down at all well.
This is why I need you lot, x
Is the stick figure with the halo on the back of the minivan the dead kid or the really good one? I’m too scared to ask.
Being shitty in a relationship is actually doing the world a favor if your partner is a songwriter
I imagine hooking up with you would be like asparagus. I’d forget you quickly but be reminded every time I pee.
me: do you have coke
cat waiter: is pspspsps ok?
her: this man needs medical help
me: let me through I’m a doctor
her: why are you opening his mouth?
me: no cavities
her: he’s having a heart attack
me: flosses regularly
her: do something
me: there’s nothing I can do his teeth are great
*job interview*
Me: Do you think my plants get disgusted when I have sex in front of them?
Interviewer: I.. I meant questions about the job
My 5/o just said “That’s Classic!!” WTF is classic to a 5 y/o? Blues Clues??
I’ve always loved Batman cause I also blame my entire personality on my parents.
Homework. The teachers’ way of knowing how smart the parent is.
My kid asked how the Easter bunny gets inside the house and I’m very uncomfortable with the amount of lying this parenting gig requires.
Sorry if my tweets aren’t good enough for you, person who retweets Cher
If you have to ask if it’s too early to drink…you’re an amateur & we can’t be friends
Sometimes I worry that pizza isn’t a real sport
How dramatic are you?
[comedy club]
GIRAFFE: What’s the deal with scarves?
TORTOISE: [in the audience] lmao this guy gets it
I can’t touch my face so I’ve been letting the cats apply and remove my makeup. They’re getting pretty good at it.
Looking at the huge commercial success of the ‘Barbie’ movie means I’m already bracing myself for the inevitable ‘Mr. Clean’ movie starring Dwayne ‘The Rock’ Johnson.
CDC: we need 2 million ventilators
STARBUCKS BARISTA: what’s a lator
My Mom: I like that actor Tom Hiddleston. What was he in?
Me: Taylor Swift for a while.
My superpower is to wake up more tired than I was when I fell asleep.
Husband trained 5 well. Every time we have rain, she stands at the window with her hands on her hips and says, “we really needed this.”
The Neverending Story is my favorite movie about laundry