13: I found a baggie of pot.
M: *takes it* Thank you, bringing it to an adult was the right thing to do. Now go outside and play for 3 hrs.
Hey guys with your phone in a hip holster, is it because your purse is too full with tampons?
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Giving your kid a recorder and telling him to go home and practice is how teachers get revenge on society for paying them so poorly.
Age 20: Gotta get ripped for Spring Break!
Age 25: Exercise reduces stress!
Age 35: My doctor says I’ll die immediately if I don’t do this
Indian Chief: What that bottle of vodka for?
Me: I got it for my girlfriend.
Indian Chief: Good trade.
*at the ocean*
“don’t forget your oil block, 800 spf sunblock and your radiation suits”
Kids: This fish has three heads
What I say:
Please don’t jump on the sofa arm.
What they hear:
Kids, this is a pommel horse. Enjoy.
JOSEPH: who did you name me after?
ME: you were named after my grandfather
GREGGNOG: what about me dad?
[Watching Star Trek with my date]
ME: *leans in* It’s called Star Trek but the stars don’t actually go anywhere.
I’m playing dead at work right now so nobody will talk to me. Everyone is screaming. Probably should have used less fake blood.