The Three Little Pigs use the money from their life story to build the ultimate house.
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9-year-old: Why do we have to dress up for church?
Me: To show God we have our act together.
9: But he knows we’re lying.
Whipped cream is just shaving cream that does whatever it’s girlfriend tells it to do.
breakfast, the most important beer of the day
Her: could you not do that?
Me: but I’m just being me
Her: OK, good. So you understand the problem.
[Office]
Secretary: Mr. Grey will see you now.
Anastasia Steele: I have a ridiculous name.
The internet was a mistake. Civilization was a mistake. Evolving was a mistake. We could be sitting in trees eating delicious bananas right now, but instead we’re here getting Very Angry Online.
I gave my wife a tip how she could wash the dishes better.
On a side note, Dawn detergent is really starting to make my hands more soft.
My ex texted me today to tell me he has not one, but two dates this week. Anyone else have useless information I don’t care about to confess?
A hawk swooped low to fly alongside my car, and for a moment I felt at one with the universe. We both were going somewhere, the hawk and I. Also, each of us was eating a mouse
Once upon a midnight dreary, While I pondered my next mealy, Came an empty tapping, a rapping at my pantry door. Quoth the Ramen “ever poor”
Tim Cook bravely announces he’s gay.
The world pats his hand like a kindly grandmother.
“We know, dear.”
We do this thing at my house where somebody puts an empty pizza box on top of the trash can and then someone else puts trash on top of that and then another person puts trash on top of that and suddenly we’re all playing jenga in reverse
Treat her like a princess & she’ll love you forever.
Unless she’s an actual princess. Then she’ll just think “I’m being treated normally.”
Aggressively singing “This Is How We Do It” while putting my husband’s clothes in the hamper instead of the floor.
Do teenagers have to meet a weekly eye roll quota because at this rate my daughter will be the MVP this year.
[10,000 BC]
Primary cause of death: Eaten[Now]
Primary cause of death: Eating
Times when the world seems different somehow:
– being in your elementary school as an adult
– being in a pool when it rains
– train stations at night
– when the ghost of the girl who died in your building tells you to get out or die
– walking through fresh snow by yourself
Tik Toks be like here’s a money hack:
Commit Fraud
Wife: Why is there a bouncy castle in the garden?
Me out of breath with no shoes on: I’m not sure.
The Geek Squad needs a service where a plain-clothed tech will go fix my mom’s computer and claim to be a friend of mine so she doesn’t know I paid someone so I wouldn’t have to do it.
I am dedicated. I go to the gym every day, and I’ve kept my sea monkeys alive for 12 years.
Our baby doubled age in a single day. If my calculations are correct, a month from now she’ll be about 3 million years old.
[Creation]
God: These dinosaurs are ruining the place!
Angel: Maybe they’ll evolve?
G: *throws a rock*
A: Sick shot!
G: Next time, apes
if I worked behind some kind of counter, every day I would simply wear a sleeping cap, and have two tip jars, labeled “honk shoo” and “mimimimimi”
Seal it so to open it, you’ll need just enough force that the contents will explode all over the place.
~inventor of cereal bags probably
White Castle for the Win
My family keeps bringing up my felony like I’m afraid to commit another one.
[police interrogation room]
Officer: you’ve been identified as the runner who..
Me: Let me stop you right there.
When someone accuses me of making up a word I severely chastigate them.
It’ll be neat when Taylor and Travis break up. Instead of writing an angsty song about him, she can just buy the Chiefs and move them to Singapore.