“Hey Hillary what color do you think this dre– never mind” – Bill Clinton scrolling through Twitter last night

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“Don’t be shy!”

-people who don’t understand how genetically determined character traits work


Feeling pretty tough lately and thinking about joining a gang. Any of you guys need an accountant?


me: *buys condoms, tampons, lice shampoo, adult diapers, yeast infection cream, an enema and a pregnancy test*
cashier: would u like a bag


My supervisor said I’m worth my weight in gold so I’m eating these donuts to increase my value.


Got fired from my job at the asthma clinic for trying to hit on women by asking if their favorite 90s band was Weezer.


HIM: What are you doing?

ME: Hiding some more money in the couch. Can’t trust the banks you know.

HIM: How much is in there?

ME: $5.40


I have enough money to last me for the rest of my life…

Unless, of course, I want to buy something.


Me: *sigh* I’ve had so many shellfish lovers

Doctor: You mean selfish?

[30 crabs come out of my pants]

Doctor: Haha here’s some cream


Change is always hard….

Especially when a jar of it falls on your head.