@Travon

“Hey Hillary what color do you think this dre– never mind” – Bill Clinton scrolling through Twitter last night

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@mattgallo123

“Don’t be shy!”

-people who don’t understand how genetically determined character traits work

@Weird_Rash

Feeling pretty tough lately and thinking about joining a gang. Any of you guys need an accountant?

@warmyellowlight

me: *buys condoms, tampons, lice shampoo, adult diapers, yeast infection cream, an enema and a pregnancy test*
cashier: would u like a bag

@JohnLyonTweets

My supervisor said I’m worth my weight in gold so I’m eating these donuts to increase my value.

@sofarrsogud

Got fired from my job at the asthma clinic for trying to hit on women by asking if their favorite 90s band was Weezer.

@MunkMania

HIM: What are you doing?

ME: Hiding some more money in the couch. Can’t trust the banks you know.

HIM: How much is in there?

ME: $5.40

@djdarrellripley

I have enough money to last me for the rest of my life…

Unless, of course, I want to buy something.

@ShortSleeveSuit

Me: *sigh* I’ve had so many shellfish lovers

Doctor: You mean selfish?

[30 crabs come out of my pants]

Doctor: Haha here’s some cream

@BurhanHafeez1

Change is always hard….

Especially when a jar of it falls on your head.