“Hey Hillary what color do you think this dre– never mind” – Bill Clinton scrolling through Twitter last night
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Hand 2 toddlers a poisoned cookie and tell them not to eat it, then leave for a day. Some would call that stupid. The Bible calls it Genesis
somehow a bad experience with seafood is more powerful than a bad relationship
people will go back to a toxic ex, but never eat scallops again after puking once
“The name’s And The Giant Peach. James And The Giant Peach.”
Whenever I utter the word ‘sober’ I wash my mouth out with alcohol.
It’s the embarrassment, not the blunt force trauma that kills you when you’re hit by a Smart car.
I asked my kids to stop fighting while I was on a work call and my daughter walked over and closed the door to the room I was sitting in.
Compromise.
Him: you seem disappointed
Me: i just thought we were staying at a sweet
Him: this is a suite
Me: *licking the wall again* these are not gingerbread Patrick!
ME: I’d like to speak to your manager.
HOT DOG VENDOR: Are you serious?
School is much tougher for kids these days. Now when they don’t get their homework done they have to come up with an excuse like, “The dog ate my laptop”.
GERG: She licked ur donut?
JERY: Shes a DONUT LICKER!
GERG: gross!
JERY: she also said she “hates america”
GERG: Donut licking traitor!
When they were saying “we will find a good home for him” I thought they were talking about the dog,I didn’t know they were talking about me!
Day 70 without sex my doctor asked me “are you sexually active” I said why whachu tryna do.
Seriously though, how do Gremlins know when it’s after midnight?
I’m at my most financial consultant when I tell the McDonald’s employee what my change back should be.
My mom once called me at 3am to tell me some long lost relative died and hung up on me when I asked if they’d still be dead at 8am.
I hate when I’m hanging up my clothes and I find an unused exercise bike from 1987.
Denmark has a new king and queen we should attack at dawn
I’d like to see the dollar store get a liquor license.
If you’re ever interviewed after my murder, please, for the love of god, don’t say “she had a smile that lit up the room.” Tell the truth: we always knew she’d get on the wrong side of a sniper or we were worried about that dangerous model train group she got mixed up with.
9 times out of 10 my problems can be fixed with something potato based.
[phone rings]
ME: Hello?
MOM: Are you watching the news?
ME: Yes.
MOM: Channel 2?
ME: Yes.
MOM: Bring a jacket anyway.
what do you mean I never take you anywhere we just took a 365 day trip around the sun
Cake is healthy because it’s baked and not fried
JESUS: And lo, I have fed 5000 of you with 5 fishes and 2 loaves
“AMAZING!”
“A MIRACLE!”
ME: *slowly raises hand* So do we get dessert or
That’s me in the corner, that’s me in the spotlight,
Begging for my cat’s attention
My dog wakes up at 4:30 every morning so he can take a nap by 6.
9: I learned a joke at school.
Me: Ok let’s hear it.
9: What goes in stiff but comes out soft?
Me:
9:
Me:
9:
Me: Is it a-
Wife [running in from other room]: SPAGHETTI IT’S SPAGHETTI
Instead of calling him a paleontologist, I used to call Ross from Friends a fossil fool lol I was such a hoot in the 90s.
If you ever light anything on fire accidentally, just tell people you’re boycotting something.
Brain: Let’s play a game.
Me: What?
Brain: Remember where you parked before the ice cream melts.
Me: Fuuuuu……