Hey honey, wanna role play?
I’ll be Dexter.
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“Honey?! What did you feed him? His poop is huge … and green!”
[the first of many struggles that Bruce Banner’s parents faced]
I just tried to make coffee with my air fryer, so TGIF
I’m not proud
December has 5 Saturdays.
FIVE.
That November salary will be fighting for its life.
[sinking in quicksand]
me: oh no
wife: we’ll be fine if we just remain still and wait for help
me: ok
[mambo no. 5 starts to play]
me: OH NO
Life Hack: In any hipster coffee shop, say “You haven’t seen The Wire?” and in the ensuing commotion, leave without paying.
I’m ok with women faking it in bed. I faked everything to get her there.
I met a girl named Felicia tonight. Couldn’t wait to tell her bye.
My tiny body fills up with emotions faster than normal sized people so really it makes sense when I overreact to everything
I don’t care about Disney lying about my Prince Charming. I’m more pissed about forest creatures and their unwillingness to clean my house.
Where do I sign up to be one of those tiktokers with 2M followers whose whole thing is just standing in front of other people’s content and nodding?
Them: hello! we’ve been trying to reach you about your extended warranty
Me: cool – first let me tell you about my podcast!
(Line goes dead)
Oh, you’re an early riser?
Yes.
Have kids?
No.
A farm?
No.
Insomnia?
No.
Medical condition?
No.
Psycho.
I hate to brag but my family has testified against me in court more than yours has.
No one is shocked when a defibrillator doesn’t work.
Get your shit together, people at McDonald’s drive thru who sit there all confused like the menu hasn’t been the same for the last 50 years
Two reasons I don’t trust people:
1. I don’t know them.
2. I know them.
I’ll grow my beard out just so I can knock on a strangers door & whisper, “I’m here to pick your kid up for prom. Either one. I don’t care.”
The only reason I’d want to go to heaven is to speak to the manager.
Me: ’til death do us part
Her: ’til death do us part
Death: *cracks open beer* Imma watch them suffer a while
“Do what your gut says”
– well, right now , its Telling me i need to stop eating Pizza
Kudos to Backstreet boys, they really did straight up make a song that lasted almost 5 minutes about the fact that they were back.
waiter: need help with the menu?
me: yes, what’s this word here
waiter: the name of the restaurant, sir
me: and how is that prepared
Did you know that your iPad has a built in bathroom scale app? Go ahead, try it.
Stuck in a massive traffic jam because I refused to take an alternate route. Suddenly realized why the orange cones are shaped like dunce caps.
Tweeting and grocery shopping don’t mix. I’ve been down every aisle and just realized all I have in my cart is a cabbage and someone’s baby.
Stephen King ruined corn children for me
*accidentally summons malevolent demon at a séance*
I WILL HAUNT YOUR HOME FOREVER!
[4 days later]
YOU KNOW, YOU COULD CLEAN UP OCCASIONALLY
My husband got me Alexa for Christmas, like I need another person in the house claiming they didn’t hear me.