@Tw1tter_K1tten

Hey honey, wanna role play?
I’ll be Dexter.

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@MomOnFire

H: Something’s wrong with you.
M: Yes.
H: No, like for real.
M: Yes, I told you that from day one.
H: But you were kidding…
M: Haha, no.

@WordUpBitch

The second I feel pressured to do something, I’m out of there faster than a dog who hears his name and knows it’s bath time.

@sliver_of

I’ve been buying men’s hoodies for years for myself. It’s all about skipping the middle man.

@Pumpkinbabypie

No, of course I’m not mad.

It’s fine.

*goes home, starts building a Death Star.

@tweeterreader36

If you catch me doing a selfie at work, at least offer to take the pic for me.

@anerdonfire2

The second date went downhill fast when I showed up with a scrapbook of our first date.

@Try2StopME

Doctor: “Hey, how are you?”
Patient: “I am good”
Doctor: “Ok. Next.”

@AdamBroud

[Truth or Dare]
Her: What’s your biggest secret?

Salazar Slytherin: *sweating* No secrets here haha. Definitely not a chamber full of ’em