Hey honey, wanna role play?
I’ll be Dexter.

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H: Something’s wrong with you.
M: Yes.
H: No, like for real.
M: Yes, I told you that from day one.
H: But you were kidding…
M: Haha, no.


The second I feel pressured to do something, I’m out of there faster than a dog who hears his name and knows it’s bath time.


I’ve been buying men’s hoodies for years for myself. It’s all about skipping the middle man.


No, of course I’m not mad.

It’s fine.

*goes home, starts building a Death Star.


If you catch me doing a selfie at work, at least offer to take the pic for me.


The second date went downhill fast when I showed up with a scrapbook of our first date.


Doctor: “Hey, how are you?”
Patient: “I am good”
Doctor: “Ok. Next.”


[Truth or Dare]
Her: What’s your biggest secret?

Salazar Slytherin: *sweating* No secrets here haha. Definitely not a chamber full of ’em