Simba – “welcome to… The bone zone”
Nala – “the what?”
Simba – “elephant graveyard. I said elephant graveyard”
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Wouldn’t that be a cool twist if World War 3 turned out to be a U.S.-Russia thing after all? “So retro!”, you’d think as you were vaporized.
November should have one more day. just because to me November 31st sounds real. and also I don’t want to pay rent tomorrow
“We’re going to a school presentation tonight, ok?”
My kid: “I love presents.”
I walk around my yard with a cane so my neighbors will never ask me to help them move something.
You two just need to get out more.
– Me, giving Abe Lincoln relationship advice
Me: *wakes up to pee at 4:30*
My brain: Oh good, you’re awake!
I’m like a cartoon character, not because I’m cute or funny, but because I wear the same clothes every day.
Today’s episode of Wheel of Fortune has been cancelled because Jesus took the wheel.
Women hate it when you call them ma’am or sleep with their friends.
Psychiatrist: “Maybe you should be seeing a therapist.”
Me: “You sure like spending my money, don’t you?”
*Arrives at work 2 hrs late
Boss: HR wants to see you about your behavior
Me: Well, I literally just got here so it couldn’t have been me
It’s nothing serious, we’re not dating or anything, we just sometimes get brunch together, were just Friends with Benedict.
Me: Babe, I got carded today!
Husband: Showing your Costco membership at the entrance doesn’t count.
WHY IS A GROUP OF SQUIDS NOT A SQUAD
I’ll host Thanksgiving if I can wear a bejeweled pantsuit and throw a wine glass at a painting while saying, “Goddammit, Daniel, nobody cares about your novel.”
HAMMER PANTS: can’t touch this
HAMMER PANTIES: definitely can’t touch this
restaurants: hey kid. wanna color in some trees? a castle? some animals? grassy hills? here’s a blue and a red crayon.
A vegan walks into a bar and doesn’t say anything because the person who has never seen star wars is going on about never seeing star wars.
Me *starts peeling potatoes*
My kid: are the fries ready yet?
Autocorrect is definitely just that kid in class who would very confidently yell out wrong answers
What do you mean I can’t get a refund on this broken lamp?
Ma’am you bought it from my yard sale a year ago! *slams door*
My advice to the younger generation: make your mistakes now. Because by the time you’re 40, you’ll barely even remember them! And then you get to make the same mistakes all over again it’s really fun
An atheist, a vegan, a libertarian, and a BMW owner walk into a bar…
I only know because they told everyone in the bar within 2 minutes.
Dora the explorers parents don’t give any kind of shit about Dora. She’s 7 and she’s flying planes and shit to South America with a monkey!
I was sitting in the public toilets when a guy in the cubicle next to me started smoking. Disgusting.
Nearly put me off my sandwich.
Our youngest is making herself a smoothie so long story short does anyone know how to clean blueberries off your ceiling?
me: what’s the last episode of this show that I watched
hulu: I don’t see how that’s any of your business
I saw a girl carrying a hamster so I asked if I could pet it but it was actually a muffin so I’m on my way to jump of a cliff now
You hear about separate beds or even bedrooms saving a marriage.
Bullshit. Separate pizzas is the key to happiness. Trust me on this.
I wonder if Pink’s parents are named Red and White.