Hey I got your text but then I died, I’ll probably like resurrect when we accidentally run into each other though

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A young musician left his
priceless Stradivarius violin
on a train in Germany.

But it was returned…
no strings attached.

Wait…what ?


Theme parks can snap a clear picture of you on a rollercoaster at 70mph, but bank cameras can’t get a clear shot of a robber standing still.


a snail bet me £1000 he could get home before i could and i didn’t really think it thru properly can anybody lend me money?


What if dogs are way smarter than we think and they just play dumb so they don’t have to work and pay taxes.


My daughter snuck some snacks into her bed last night and got me in trouble when Mama found them. Now I have to search her every night for bed snacks like some kind of Toddler TSA Agent.


I installed a pet door over the weekend, and the dog barked at it, and the cat pissed on it, but the raccoons have got the idea.


I’ve fallen in love on Twitter and I think the 7 of us will be very happy together


I just ran 4.1 Kms and realized you can write anything you want after that and no one will read it purple monkey dishwasher.


You have precisely two minutes to consider where your life went wrong as you watch your Hot Pocket rotate in the microwave.


Should I ever go missing, please don’t let the news use my 7th grade picture.