@audipenny

Hey I got your text but then I died, I’ll probably like resurrect when we accidentally run into each other though

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@SteveKoehler22

A young musician left his
priceless Stradivarius violin
on a train in Germany.

But it was returned…
no strings attached.

Wait…what ?

@shkeeber

Theme parks can snap a clear picture of you on a rollercoaster at 70mph, but bank cameras can’t get a clear shot of a robber standing still.

@KeetPotato

a snail bet me £1000 he could get home before i could and i didn’t really think it thru properly can anybody lend me money?

@TheWeirdWorld

What if dogs are way smarter than we think and they just play dumb so they don’t have to work and pay taxes.

@NewDadNotes

My daughter snuck some snacks into her bed last night and got me in trouble when Mama found them. Now I have to search her every night for bed snacks like some kind of Toddler TSA Agent.

@Robert_Beau

I installed a pet door over the weekend, and the dog barked at it, and the cat pissed on it, but the raccoons have got the idea.

@JPLFR80

I’ve fallen in love on Twitter and I think the 7 of us will be very happy together

@lloydrang

I just ran 4.1 Kms and realized you can write anything you want after that and no one will read it purple monkey dishwasher.

@Gooooats

You have precisely two minutes to consider where your life went wrong as you watch your Hot Pocket rotate in the microwave.

@CatherineLMK

Should I ever go missing, please don’t let the news use my 7th grade picture.