@audipenny

Hey I got your text but then I died, I’ll probably like resurrect when we accidentally run into each other though

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@AtticusFinch79

[At astronomy convention]

For the last time, Bob. No one wants to see Uranus.

@The1WhosCrazy

The walk of shame:

When you toss a paper ball in trash, miss, then have to go get it.

@woodmuffin

Please stop praying for my grandpa u are making him too strong. He broke out of the hospital & cops say their tasers don’t work on him 🙁

@OhNoSheTwitnt

Writer: So this movie is about a little girl and her dog and…

Disney: Her parents die. Brilliant.

Writer: No.

Disney: Just her mom?

Writer: No.

Disney: Her dad?

Writer: No.

Disney: So then who dies? The girl? The dog?

Writer: Nobody dies!

Disney: Get out.

@dlockw21

I saw a bald eagle carry away a bunny rabbit today, and I was like, “well, at least somebody gets to be held.”

@Gupton68

Man: *shaking collection tin* please sir, for alcoholics

Me: *taking the tin* wow, that’sh sho kind, thankshh!

@psybermonkey

Surprise your girlfriend at work by wearing a ski mask and taking everyone hostage

@loserIex

ikea worker 1: ok i say we name it “stay in stool” haha like school haha cuz it’s a stool
ikea worker 2: nice try but we r naming it üdëkæb

@TheMichaelRock

Ladies, if he leaves the stickers on his hat, that’s his way of telling you he won’t pay child support.