Hey I got your text but then I died, I’ll probably like resurrect when we accidentally run into each other though
You Might Also Like
15: I smell upsexy.
Me: What the hell is upsexy?
15: Not much. What’s up with you?
[letter to vitamin company]
So your ad said that this supplement “helps with memory loss” but I’m still remembering stuff
“That sucked.”
-Elephants who just saw The Peanuts Movie
Welcome to parenthood. You never thought you’d want to fight a 5yo, but here we are.
“Hey what’s today’s date?”
Neil deGrasse Tyson: You mean on the cosmic calendar?
“No Neil, not on the goddamn cosmic calendar.”
Remember, it doesn’t have to be the “perfect” muder, just an unsolvable one.
~me as a motivational speaker
Funny women are smart. Be careful.
I think the ideal solution to my problems would be for me to get tenure. I don’t know exactly what tenure is but I think it could really turn things around for me.
Hey, so I was working on an Excel spreadsheet and hit an unfamiliar function button and, long story short, now I am trapped inside it and all these numbers are mad at me
My friend: My fridge broke down, all my ice cream is gonna melt!
Me:
Me: Step aside.
I went for a job interview.
The bloke asked, “Where do you see yourself in 10 yrs time?”
“Same as now – in photos and mirrors,” I replied
My dog wants to register me as her emotional support animal. She’s already called the vet for the required paperwork and ordered me a vest.
This tape doesn’t even taste like scotch.
We get it – “Bacardi” rhymes with “party,” “bottle” rhymes with “model,” and “sex” rhymes with “text.” You rappers can stop rapping now.
Donkey Kong Country: Tropical Freeze (2014)
Nice try little pine tree air freshener, but this gas station restroom needs the efforts of an entire forest.
Must be a very worrying time for anyone who has dumped a body in a reservoir.
the movie? well… her name is Bella, she’s torn between a hawt werewolf and some kinda disco ball vampire
Family dinners are fun because we start out as a family of 6 & then after everyone gets in trouble for acting up it’s a dinner for two.
Dragon fire can’t melt stone pillars. King’s Landing was an inside job.
[teaching son to brush his teeth]
Me: this is the part of your skeleton that everyone sees
More “kills” on Tinder than any man in the history of online dating, Bradley Cooper is…. American Swiper.
Waiter: Ma’am, your meal comes with two sides
Me (dragging a cigarette): Everything does, kid. Everything
Judge: Would the jury now read its verdict.
Head Juror: We, the jury, find George Michael’s feet guilty on all counts of Lacking Rhythm.
George Michael’s feet: *uncontrollable sobbing followed by fainting*
George Michael: What the hell is even happening? I’m free to go, right?
Friend: You should keep some club soda handy for your wine stains.
Me: Did you just passive aggressively call me a sloppy drunk?
[grocery store seized by terrorists]
“Not today”, I say, tearing the label from a tube of Poppin’ Fresh Dough and rolling it down the aisle
Some people like instant gratification but I prefer mine brewed slowly from freshly ground gratification beans
An example of men’s inability to understand women – Me: I have Nothing To Wear!! Him: Awesome!
If you add the word “extraordinaire” to your job title you kick up your credibility another notch and earn your colleagues trust and respect without even trying.
SO GOOD NEWS EVERYBODY MY SON HAS LEARNED HOW TO WHISTLE