[At astronomy convention]
For the last time, Bob. No one wants to see Uranus.
Hey I got your text but then I died, I’ll probably like resurrect when we accidentally run into each other though
You Might Also Like
The walk of shame:
When you toss a paper ball in trash, miss, then have to go get it.
Please stop praying for my grandpa u are making him too strong. He broke out of the hospital & cops say their tasers don’t work on him 🙁
Me: Do you love me?
Husband: What did you break this time?
Writer: So this movie is about a little girl and her dog and…
Disney: Her parents die. Brilliant.
Disney: Just her mom?
Disney: Her dad?
Disney: So then who dies? The girl? The dog?
Writer: Nobody dies!
Disney: Get out.
I saw a bald eagle carry away a bunny rabbit today, and I was like, “well, at least somebody gets to be held.”
Man: *shaking collection tin* please sir, for alcoholics
Me: *taking the tin* wow, that’sh sho kind, thankshh!
Surprise your girlfriend at work by wearing a ski mask and taking everyone hostage
ikea worker 1: ok i say we name it “stay in stool” haha like school haha cuz it’s a stool
ikea worker 2: nice try but we r naming it üdëkæb
Ladies, if he leaves the stickers on his hat, that’s his way of telling you he won’t pay child support.