Hey I got your text but then I died, I’ll probably like resurrect when we accidentally run into each other though

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[At astronomy convention]

For the last time, Bob. No one wants to see Uranus.


The walk of shame:

When you toss a paper ball in trash, miss, then have to go get it.


Please stop praying for my grandpa u are making him too strong. He broke out of the hospital & cops say their tasers don’t work on him 🙁


Writer: So this movie is about a little girl and her dog and…

Disney: Her parents die. Brilliant.

Writer: No.

Disney: Just her mom?

Writer: No.

Disney: Her dad?

Writer: No.

Disney: So then who dies? The girl? The dog?

Writer: Nobody dies!

Disney: Get out.


I saw a bald eagle carry away a bunny rabbit today, and I was like, “well, at least somebody gets to be held.”


Man: *shaking collection tin* please sir, for alcoholics

Me: *taking the tin* wow, that’sh sho kind, thankshh!


Surprise your girlfriend at work by wearing a ski mask and taking everyone hostage


ikea worker 1: ok i say we name it “stay in stool” haha like school haha cuz it’s a stool
ikea worker 2: nice try but we r naming it üdëkæb


Ladies, if he leaves the stickers on his hat, that’s his way of telling you he won’t pay child support.