Hey I just met you…
And this is Crazy…
But this is a nice restaurant…
So, Silence your baby!
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If vampires drink too much blood do they get a fangover *throws phone in a lake
the concept of santa actually pisses me off a lot. i work hard all year to buy my kids presents, but all the credit goes to some fat old guy who squeezes down my chimney, eats my food, makes out with my wife, and disappears. this is bullshit
Co-worker: Do you have any invisible tape?
Me: You’ll have to feel around in the supply cabinet.
[camping]
Him: Did you eat the last s’more?
Me: No.
Him: You’re lying.
Me: How do you know?
Him: Your pants are literally on fire.
Some stranger replied to a tweet and asked me to date him, so I’m wondering what kind of weirdo does that and what should I wear.
Tried arranging dinner out but AC changed eat to war so I arrived to find the whole family laying siege to this Taco Bell.
Love means never having to say you’re sorry for accidentally bringing home six more cats.
My kids devour food so quickly that my fridge has been broken for two months and nobody realized.
“What should we call the big finger?”
“‘Thumb’ seems as good as any.”
“Impressive. What about this smallest one?”
“PINKY!”
“………….”
I’m not actively avoiding you. I don’t actively do anything.
Dusting the thermostat for fingerprints.
Friend: “You really shouldn’t let pets sleep in your bed.”
Me: “But I like cuddling!”
Friend: “I think your goldfish is dead now.”
For the record ladies, your insecurities about your bodies is a bigger turn off to guys than your bodies ever could be.
When cooking for a date for the first time I use plenty of garlic so we can get the whole “vampire/not a vampire” question out of the way.
when I was like 16 I tried to prank my mom on april fools by telling her I was pregnant and she said you have to have sex to get pregnant emma
*hangs a vacant sign on your forehead*
My 8yr just said we go together like biscuits and cream cheese. And I can’t tell if that’s a compliment or contradiction
Why must a movie be “good” ? Is it not enough to sit somewhere dark and see a beautiful face, huge?
M: *hands you back your baby*
Aw, is he getting too heavy?
M: Heavy? No, he smells like old people and raisins.
If movies have taught me anything, it’s that the insurance for fruit vendor carts must be astronomical.
Name another movie that mislead you?
Before I get off the subway, I like to turn around, look at the other passengers, and say, “I’ll never forget the time we spent together”
[fancy restaurant]
me: this has a fine oaky taste
sommelier: sir is eating the cork
If Ella Fitzgerald married Darth Vader then she would be known as Ella Vader…….
Welcome to HouseHunters. Brenda sells keychains on Etsy and Keith shoots birds at the airport.
They have a budget of $430,000…
Someone cut in front of me in the salad bar line today.
I didn’t do anything because anyone who wants a salad that badly terrifies me.
I’ve been turned down so many times they call me bedspread.
I found a YouTube video demonstrating a 5 minute speed clean. It was 25 minutes long.
What do best men at weddings in France do?
Making French toasts!
#FrenchToastDay #MondayMorning #RubbishJokes
The 6 or so days between Christmas and New Year’s is truly No Man’s Land. Like am I supposed to sleep all day? Get my life together? Spend the entire day watching TikToks? Hang out with my parents? Are we in 2019 or 2020? What do I eat besides Christmas cookies?