“Pete’s coming for dinner tonight.”
“Pete from work or Pete who thinks he can walk through doors?”
“I’ll just check.”
Hey I just met you…
And this is Crazy…
But this is a nice restaurant…
So, Silence your baby!
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Every time I get an eyelash in my eye, I’m reminded of how quickly I would die in the wild.
I like my women like I like my coffee
Overpriced and bitter
*builds time machine*
*goes back in time 183 days*
*earth is on the other side of the sun*
*dies in space*
A time machine. But just to go back and eat the donuts I once refused.
If you can tell from my eye contact at the grocery store that I’m inviting you to race shopping carts, you’re my kinda people.
I’m gonna pretend I didn’t hear that*
*Me, after not listening to a word you just said.
I’m no fan of Smokey the Bear. He’s just the first step on the slippery slope to vigilantism.
Listen mate, the only rapture I’m interested in was sung by Debbie Harry
Me: what are ya in for?
Cell mate: Cannibalism. You?
Me: I licked ice cream at the store and put it back in the freezer
Cell mate: wtf man that’s sick