I need a 6 month vacation, twice a year
Hey I just met you…
And this is Crazy…
But this is a nice restaurant…
So, Silence your baby!
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[robbers outside bank]
When I said get some masks I meant something creepy like wolf masks
“But can’t u feel your pores really opening up?”
If a group of necrophiliacs ran into group of zombies…who would do the chasing?
Oh, I went there…;)
day 1: hungry
day 2: hungry
day 3: hungry
day 4: ate neighbor
Her: I really need to learn to say “no”.
Me: I’ll introduce you to my wife.
[catches spider in a glass]
spider: omg are you going to drink me?
me: oh no this is just to take you outside
spider: drink me
just when I started to freak out I noticed the ghost that haunts my ensuite had written “don’t panic, you ate beets last night” with lipstick on the mirror and I am so grateful to have such a good friend
A good education is pretty important, but I think being good looking might be more importanter.
I’m the opposite of a bee keeper. I lose bees all the time. I left a hive on the train today. Just accidentally threw a bee at a nun.
Wife: We named you after Grandma
Me: Yes that was my idea!
Grandma: They all laugh at me at school