hey I just met you
and this is crazy
but I’m going to argue with another stranger in your mentions
for hours maybe
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*both typing*
5:02pm
you: babe i love you5:02pm
me: do you think shark pee is what makes the ocean salty
Remember, Kids… If you can’t say anything nice, well, it’s probably hilarious and worth getting into trouble over anyway.
(First date)
Her: I like men who take charge.
Me: *trying to impress her* *shoves finger into electric socket*
Springsteen: baby we were born to run
Springsadult: let’s just take a cab
I passed out in an alley last night and woke up being initiated into a raccoon street gang.
A marriage built on respect and trust can survive anything. Except losing twice as much weight on a diet than your wife, apparently.
Bought some expensive neck cream.
Directions say to apply it twice daily.
If I slather it on every hour, I’ll have the neck of a teen.
My son gave me the ultimate Mother’s Day gift: he just brought out all of the cups & dishes from his room & filled the kitchen sink.
I’m so blessed.
Mario! Are you coming to save me from Bowser’s Castle?
PEACH I MIGHT BE
”Can’t touch this.”
“Can’t touch this.”
“Can’t touch this.”
–MC Hammer giving a Museum tour
I have a friend who doesn’t drink coffee, so to stay alert at work he gets a healthy amount of sleep each night. What a loser
This raises questions
I got my DNA results back and found out I’m 15% “Other” and now I’m ready for the mothership to come and take me home.
Remembering that time in grad school when my advisor, a great ornithologist, got a random call:
drunk guy, bar noises in background: IS THIS THE BIRD PROFESSOR?
my advisor: um..yes?
drunk guy: DO HUMMINGBIRDS HAVE FEET?
my advisor: …yes
*wild cheering over phone from bar*
If you can say “I made six figures last year,” you either have a well paying job or you’re the worst employee at a toy factory.
I keep all my valuables near the front door so if burglars breaks in during the night they will not wake me up.
Can you imagine the pressure Morgan Freeman’s mom felt reading him a bedtime story?
The advantage of being an adult is that I can totally do whatever I want. Unless it interferes with my kids’ school or swim practice or homework or when they fight or when they’re hungry or tired.
Wife wants some excitement in the bedroom so I’m going to put small rubber snakes in her underwear drawer
Biden: I told him that we call in attacks on countries by blocking them on Twitter.
O: Joe…
Biden: Trust me.
Me: stop barking at the nice person who is delivering pizza to us!
Also me: you didn’t even notice that the pizza guy was here?! He could have murdered us!
Me: I need to go to the doctor but my car won’t start.
Mechanic: Did you try jumping it?
Me: Of course, how did you think I broke my legs?
So glad my cats are trained to check if I’m sleeping o.k. every 10 minutes starting g at 4 am.
Lance isn’t a common name now, but in Medieval times guys were named Lance a lot.
I need you to fill my water bowl but I’m also going to stand directly in your path and trip you 7 times before you can get to the sink.
– Dogs
I moved to this city ten years ago with just the clothes on my back. I soon learned that I’d also need some clothes for my front. City people aren’t as open minded as you’d think.
“No thanks, I filled up on breadsticks.” – Eve to the Serpent in the Olive Garden of Eden
I knew he was the one when I asked if he liked to hike and he answered “On purpose?”
Not sure why some white people use black slang when they have phrases like, “newsflash pal”