8:00 AM: I am 100% committed to this new diet!
8:45 AM: Eats an entire box of uncooked lasagna noodles
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Sure it’s cold, but I’m not going to break a sweat over it.
The Pillsbury Doughboy has died. Services will be at 350 degrees for 30-40 minutes.
Just once in movies when someone gently shuts a dead person’s eyes I want them to whisper “Ew, ew, ew, ew.” while doing it.
One day my GPS is gonna say, “You should know this one by now” and shut off.
Me: how can I prepare for this meeting?
Friend: we can do a mock interview
Me: ok
Friend: why should we hire you
Me: wHy ShOuLd wE HiRe yOu
[Hunting Robots]
Me: You a robot?
Robot: Would a robot read this?
*shows me copy of Totally Not A Robot magazine*M: Hm. That checks out.
Me: *seductively spreading peanut butter on my chest
Sir, you’re going to have to leave.
Me: *reluctantly gets off treadmill
Feeling adventurous? When your wife calls you, text her “He’s busy” and then switch off the cellphone.
Once a neighbor kid asked if my dog had any nicknames & I lied & made a bunch up & now whenever I see her she asks how ‘Tree Trunk’ is doing
The big book of baby names but for safe words
That old expression: “hold the phone!” doesn’t work anymore because everyone is already doing that
Hey,dogs barking, we get it: At the core of existence dwells an unspeakable malaise.
Tell me I’d look good in a potato sack or lose me forever
the word “crocheting” pisses me off. like check out this new word guys, it’s called crowshaying but we’re gonna spell it like screaming with your head in a metal bucket.
I wonder why my book “101 ways to scare the postman” hasn’t arrived yet?
Ensure longevity of life and prevent starvation by eating insects.
Thick flies save lives.
No Grandma, a friend with benefits is not someone who lends you a cup of sugar.
kind of nervous, on a date (on hold with my student loan servicer for over an hour)
Pilot, to passengers: Bit of a…uhhhh…problem on the flight deck…ahhhh…anyone know how much the average woodchuck might be able to…uhhhh…chuck?
Guy who loves tongue twisters: *whispering* It’s my time…
Me during the day: “I’ve learned not to worry about things I can’t control.”
Me at 3:42am: “What are the chances of surviving a medium-sized asteroid impact?”
Boss confused me with another employee and fired me. Then called two days later to fire me for not showing up for 2 days. #HowIGotFired
Until I had kids I wasn’t aware that Hakuna Matata could be sung in such a threatening manner
If everything gets better with age, explain why this dead body keeps smelling worse and worse
My family is “sick of all the same old meals” so I’ve compiled this delicious list with all their other suggestions:
1.
2. I mean, whatever.
3.
4. No. Not that.
5.
6. I don’t really care.
[ouija board]
me: are there any spirits with us? Speak now
ouija board: H E L L O F R O M T H E O T H E R S I D E
me: ….please stop
Vegans aren’t so bad. They taste like chicken.
*adds Amazon wishlist link to bio*
Me: And now we wait
[2 days later] *nothing*
[1 week later] *still nothing*
[2 weeks later] Kids: Dad, we’re really hungry now
Me: I said, we wait!!!
Hurricane Diary
Day 1)I have stocked enough snacks for at least two weeks of an extended hurricane disaster
Day 2)I am out of snacks
A child is being pushed around in a pink toy convertible while eating a chocolate frosted donut, and I want to ask her how she got this job.
“Are you ok?” No my cheese drawer is empty