@iamspacegirl

hey i just met you
and this is crazy
but i’m your mom now
you small weak baby

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@jtswhipped

I wonder what people with house phones posted on MySpace today?

@amishschool

Me: SORRY I HAVE TO HANG UP I’M HEADING INTO A TUNNEL

* hangs up land-line *

@rocknthepurple

I just wish I had someone who wanted to touch me as much as my shower curtain does.

@Seamus_the_Bold

I don’t think it’s rude to ask someone in an online dating site to send a picture posing with a copy of today’s newspaper.

@RhinoUR

Buys valentine.
Writes “I love you” inside.
Mails card to self.
Receives card in mail.
Reads card.
“Eww, why do I attract losers?”

@AtticusFinch79

[At astronomy convention]

For the last time, Bob. No one wants to see Uranus.

@BoogTweets

[first date]

Me: so what do you do

Her: I’m a stay at home mom

Me: *leans in close* then what are you doing outside of that house

@BoweKnows

Do lady dolphins ever get tattoos of 19-yr-old community college students?

@existential_d

[salem]

judge: we’re burning you alive for being a w-

her: a witch?

judge: i was gonna say woman but holy shit that’s a good excuse

@Tommytoughstuff

Dating tip: don’t mention your time as a Boy Scout, let your sash full of badges do the talkin.