hey i know we haven’t talked since high school but we’re celebrating our 10 year friendversary on facebook. what are u up to tonight lol
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me: [pooping in a basket]
hot air balloon pilot: ok everyone out.
I am less the girl you take home to meet your mother and more the girl you take to meet your psychiatrist.
1yo: Jesus Jesus Jesus!
Me: OMG are you saying Jesus!?
1yo: Jesus!
Me:Oh my God….
1yo: Jesus!
Me: she’s…. a prophet!
1yo: Jesus!!
Me: Show me! Where is Jesus!
1yo:*points* Jesus!!
Me: cheez-its??… cheez-its! You want cheez-its?
1yo: yes! Jesus.
just learned that all of the “You’re the best!” texts my dad sends me are one of three quick reply options in his Toyota Rav4
modern skincare be like “the best way to have good skin is to destroy the skin you already have. here put some acid on it, burn that shit right off”
Her: [eating lettuce for dinner] so yeah, with those 3 small changes, I lost 4% body fat.
Me: [eating a beer for dinner] fight me
Sermons in 10 minutes or less or you go to Heaven for FREE!!
I don’t think the water lizards run on the water always. I think it’s a “oh hey I forgot something” or “shit it’s the cops, run” thing.
cat: *unresponsive*
bartender: get this catatonic
Cashier: what’s with all the pineapple juice?
Me: *winks*
-Spends the night making delicious umbrella drinks with my cat.
I was probably the first choice of the person who texted me, “Wanna go to a concert in 40 minutes?!”
I have patio furniture in the friend zone.
Please help settle an argument between me and my wife:
I say it’s weird she dresses Mr Whiskers and Fluffykins in different outfits every day, and wheels them around town in a stroller
She says it’s more weird that I insisted on giving those names to our kids.
no, YOU’RE clutching a string of kielbasas like rosary beads
Carp we hit an iceberg!
What am I herring? This scampi true!
Whale I squid you not
Oh cod I can’t die
Waterboat me? You’re so shellfishFin
Someone just told me to “have a blessed day.”
What do you even say to someone like that? I just hissed at them.
*Job Interview
Me: “Thanks for meeting with me”
IKEA Manager: “My pleasure. Have a seat”(Sees nothing but a pile of finished wood, quarter inch screws, and an allen wrench)
Me: “What…”
Manager *starts timer*
It’s way easier to procure food now than it was for our ancestors. Thousands of years ago, instead of buying it in the store, I would have had to hunt this can of Pringles in the wild.
[At the Dr]
Me: but the voices won’t stop.
Dr: those are people, they’re allowed to talk.
You’re ugly for a reason: God is challenging you to get girls on hard mode. #motivationalmike
I will have a piñata at my funeral.
You know, to make people happy.
It will be filled with bees.
You know, to make me happy too.
Me: throwing a ball
My dog: it is as the prophecy foretold
Just saw a squirrel jump about 15 feet from one tree to another. He is now my new emergency contact.
Me: Cooks meals, does laundry, picks my kid’s toys that he has allegedly already put away
Me asks *my kid to do his home work*
My kid: why do I have to do everything around here?
Why did they call them army chefs and not the mealitary?
I love putting on warm underwear fresh out of the dryer. I also love to look around the laundromat and guess who they belong to.
I first experienced deep shame and humiliation when my mom told me I should probably start saying “train” instead of “choo-choo train” while I was still at the tender age of 27.
My husband’s on a work Skype, so every few minutes I silently cross the room behind him dressed as a new character from Wicked.
[my kids walk in on me being murdered]
ME: call 911
KIDS: ok but then will you get us a snack?