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dear teenage me, it’s the future. no flying cars but you will write jokes on a telephone. no don’t kill yourself it’s actually pretty fun


Trump has so many failed businesses, if he wanted to shut down abortion clinics, he should have just put his name on one


Every time this gets RTed a member of Congress gets kicked in the groin.


Seems like everybody is wishing to find that special someone in their life, and I’m just over here wishing I could eat without getting fat


Youth may have many decadent pleasures. But at my age, based on the sounds I make, relieving my bladder is pure euphoria.


If you had to decide between being fat and rich or poor and skinny, what bridge would you sleep under?


a car is a metal ravioli and you are the meat!


I follow so many accounts that have these amazing inspirational quotes and I’m over here like….
“I need coffee”
“Wine is my bestie”
“My kids are weird”
“Laundry sucks”

So here’s my inspirational quote:
Fight like you’re the third monkey trying to get on Noah’s Ark.


Maybe, just once, someone will call me ma’am without adding, “You’re making a scene”