Me: I don’t think I fit into some box with a label on it.
Serial Killer: *looking disappointed* Are you sure?
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If you breakdance you buy dance.
do beavers even know what they’re doing or do they just see water flowing down a river and think “absolutely not”
Yup
Just killed a giant fucking spider with my wife’s bare hand.
Was enjoying playing legos with my son until my wife tapped me on the shoulder and said he went outside an hour ago.
If his selfie doesn’t make you kegal, you’re just not that into him.
Please do not compare your dog problems to parenting. Your dog cannot say your name 3,258 times in a day.
i’ve been laughing at this for 5 mins
Sometimes it’s not about missing someone, it’s about reloading and trying again.
If you want to keep a secret from me, write it and send it to me as a Facebook event invitation.
me: *hanging back a bit while out with friends*
friends: that guy has followed us to 3 bars.
I love babies cause they just cry upon waking up and it’s so honest
When you’re in the shower, and you hear loud thumps and you think
“THEY’RE KILLING MY FAMILY, AND I’LL HAVE TO FIGHT THE ATTACKER NAKED”
Me: *changes channel* *changes channel*
Pet hermit crab: no wait go back
Announcer: welcome to house hunters
ME: so this is what it sounds like when doves cry
SUBWAY GUY: all I said was we were out of meatballs
Craigslist: Meet your soulmate and lose a kidney all in one magical night.
Ro-Ro-Robocop,
Gently down the stream,
Merrily, merrily, merrily, merrily,
Killing bad guys in old Detroit in revenge for his murder.
Can’t, I’m in big trouble with the wife. I invited a couple to a party that she’s planning without telling her.
[Headless Horseman birthday party]
HEADLESS HORSEMAN: [opens present] Another hat? Haha guys okay I get it you can cut it out now.
I’m not much on seizing the day, I just kinda poke it with a stick.
*Clark Kent leaves his glasses on the coffeemaker at work*
Lois: Anyone see the coffeemaker? You, with the glasses…seen the coffeemaker?
Turns out my parenting style is more “Disney villain” and less “Disney princess.”
Savlon antiseptic cream is not, as it turns out, toothpaste.
What REALLY happens when you build Ikea furniture…
How to make friends as an adult:
1. Say “we should hang!”
2. Do not hang.
3. Say “we should hang!” 6 months later.
4. Cancel.
5. Reschedule.
6. Respect their cancelation.
7. Reschedule.
8. Actually hang.
9. Say “we should do this more often!”
10. Die.
I love a man who looks so deeply into my eyes, it’s like you can see my soul
Optometrist: please stop talking
You can’t scare me. You’re not my husband holding my credit card over the shredder.
Oh hey mom. Yeah the date went fine, I think she liked my jorts bc she kept glancing at them
WIFE: i’m leaving you
ME: is it because I name inanimate objects?
WIFE: no, it’s because you won’t stop wearing that eyepiece
ME: [looking perplexed] why do you hate Monoclewinsky?
If someone doesn’t reply to my text I can only assume they have fallen down a well and will get back to me as soon as they can