My class teacher once said “Write and Practice.” Turns out she was right. I practiced on my desk just before I started my exam and it worked
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JUDGE: So to be clear, you’re pleading not guilty to stealing the child’s shoes?
ME: [heelies up to the mic] That’s correct
[heaven’s IT department]
Ok, I see why your computer’s crashing. Have you been closing doors again?
God: Yes, why?
Too many open windows
Murder is legal if it happens after a morning person says “WELL WELL WELLLLLL LOOK WHO FINALLY GOT UP”
Psychologists say that sleeping naked can help boost a person’s confidence, but nobody in this bus seems to appreciate it.
I HAVE A LITTLE MERMAID BAND-AID UNDER MY EYE CAUSE I’M IN A GANG NOW.
Sorry I missed your wedding, but Netflix just autoplays the next episode now.
Santa saw your nudes and he’s getting you moisturizer, and a good razor.
Roses are red,
Change comes with the tide
To get rid of house guests I just move them from room to room closing doors until they’re on the porch and I’m behind the locked door.
co-worker: ok who put seafood in the microwave
me: oh sorry does my lobster smell
co-worker: no he’s pinching people
Photoshop is turning 25 years old this week. Actually, it’s 35 but just looks 25.
I will not kill my coworkers
I will not kill my coworkers
I will not….Maybe just one…
I’m 35 so when I get drunk I just water my plants a little more recklessly than usual.
The most troubling examples of sexism, homophobia and racism that I’ve ever heard are things I’ve said driving on the New Jersey Turnpike.
Dear parents who line up 45 minutes early in the school pick-up line,
I don’t understand.
me: I have a very particular set of skills, skills that make me a nightmare for people like u
kidnappers: like what
me: what?
kidnappers: like what skills
me: [covering mouthpiece] omg he’s asking what skills
wife: ffs
my psychiatrist told me i seem like i do improv and i literally don’t even know how to take that
It’s amazing how patiently people will wait in line behind you when you’re buying tampons.
*pronounces lingerie as ling – gary*
Good cop: Ok relax. We are just gonna ask you a few questions
Fashion police: Who are you wearing, you piece of shit?
Every time we take our dog to obedience school I can’t help but think about everything that we did wrong when we were training our kids.
“Hey look, a corn maze!”
– me, drunk, about to get lost in a corn maze
Police: How did they break in?
Me: I have a fake garden rock w/a key inside.
Police: They found it?
Me: They threw it through the window.
My husband pissed me off so I poured a quart of oil under the hood of his truck. That should keep him busy.
There are many different theories about why humans even need to sleep but I’m pretty sure it’s to charge our phones.
Exercise makes you look better naked. But so does whiskey, it’s your choice.
boss: I’m sorry Alan we’re going to have to let you go
bungee cord tester: N
O
O
o
o
ᵒ
pep talk
*CRASH*
*THUMP*
*SCREAM**Husband runs into bedroom*
H: OHMYGOD ARE YOU OKAY?
Me: Yeah. Just taking off my sports bra.
We leave the TV on for our dog when we go out. Yesterday my wife left on the Bravo channel and they were showing a marathon of The Real Housewives of New Jersey. He now starts meaningless fights with other dogs in public and has a drinking problem.