Hey, I lost my teddy bear. Would you sleep with me?
You Might Also Like
Ladies, if you don’t want to answer a question from a guy, say, “I already TOLD you. You never listen.”
We have no idea if you’re lying.
CONDUCTOR: Oh my dad’s in the audience
[waves to dad]
[orchestra goes crazy]
You should always read labels. I was about to eat this rat poison but then saw it has gluten in it. I could have died,
My younger co-workers were all watching a reel about flowbee and debating whether it was real or not so to be a part of the cool crowd convo I was like “I remember those!” and anyway that is not how you do that in case anyone was wondering.
If Iron Man and the Man of Steel were to team up, they’d be powerful alloys.
I goofily dance over to my pals. Shit. These r strangers. Just… dance past them to my actual friends. Oh no. Help I need 2 find some1 I know
If you watch The Wizard Of Oz backwards it’s about a girl who escapes a lying oppressor and her subsequent journey to colour blindness.
I’ve had a few people on this site respond to something they disagree with with “I expected better from you”, and I’m like “why?”
How to Talk to Women Who Are Inside an MRI Tube
Sorry I booped your nose when you said that you loved me.
OBGYN : What are you using for birth control?
Me: my personality
Authors subtitle books “A Novel”. Why don’t we subtitle other things? Fast and Furious: A Movie. Broccoli cheddar casserole: A Recipe.
“Please be aware that we are experiencing higher than average call volume”
*connects*
Agent: Hello
Me (whispering): hello
“Only God can judge me”
People who’ve never been to
Whole Foods.
Monday again. I just knew this would happen
We have to buy a new toaster because my son tried using the icing packet from his toaster strudel as a potholder to protect his fingers and dropped it in the toaster, where it melted and oozed icing all over.
But in his defense, it didn’t say not to do that on the box.
Hang on, dude in the stall next to me has a Spanish soap opera on. I have to find out if this chick’s pregnant.
Of course you can trust me with your secret.
*Calls local news team
*Geography Bee*
Judge: “Tell me about Yemen.”
Me: “Chandler said he was moving there when he couldn’t breakup with Janice on Friends.”
Your Parents divorced because your Dad didn’t want to put your talentless paintings on the fridge.
this isn’t threatening at all
If you’re robbing my house, just bring a second guy to eat a pizza in front of my dog while you take whatever you want.
[harry potter at work]
Coworker: you can see those crazy winged horses huh
Harry: a thestral, yes
Coworker: cause you saw whosamort kill your classmate
Harry: his name was cedric & it was a very dark point in my life
Coworker: so speaking of dark the copier needs more toner
Just changed the GPS voice
in my car from male to female.Now if I miss a turn, she says ….
“( Sigh )….recalculating”
moisten thyself and wait for me in the westernmost grunting shed
them: can i call you? It’s really difficult to convey in a chat msg
me: try harder.
(yawn)
Him: You were supposed to do something about the groundhog under the deck.
Me: I did. I named him Lord Melbourne. He likes Cocoa Puffs.
Check in desk: We’ve oversold the flight so I’m going to put you in business class.
Me: Great.
*later*
Professor: The first rule of business is- you’re late. Please sit down.
Me: I think there has been a mistake.
Professor: I said sit down.
[boxing match]
ANNOUNCER: …and the challenger weighing 8lbs 7oz, Billy “The Baby” Sanchez
CHAMP: That’s a real baby
TRAINER: You got this