Hey, I may not look like much right now, but believe me, in the morning I’ll look even worse.
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me: goodnight moon 🙂
moon: goodnight
me: goodnight stars 🙂
stars: goodnight
me: goodnight planetarium security guard 🙂
security guard: how the hell did you get in here
Failed Hallmark card:
I’m sorry I stabbed you with a fork when you leaned in to kiss me.I thought you were going to take my taco.
The fact touche and douche don’t rhyme bothers me.
Me: *needles jabbing me thousands of times for a tattoo* So rad
Also Me: *one needle, one jab at the dentist* Our Father, who art in heaven
It’s so cute how you think wearing that cross around your neck exempts you from being a reasonable human being
im not former gifted student. i am still gifted. put me in a fourth grade class i’ll annihilate them all like i did the first time
Whoever asked how can 2022 be any worse than the last couple of years, you jinxed the world. And now I’m coming for you.
A cup of water A cup of water
when it’s in when it spills
a cup on the table
don’t forget to look out for your single friends today! leave shallow bowls of water out around the garden so they stay hydrated! if you see one struggling try and feed it with a teaspoon of sugar water to help revive them!
Child me at birthday party: gimme gimme ice cream
Adult me at birthday party: gimme gimme cake
13: Mom, you look younger every day.
M: What do you want?
13: A new skateboard.
M: How young?
13: 29
M: Done.
Me: One more peep out of you kids and I’ll turn this car around
Son: *slowly excretes a marshmallow chick*
Me: THAT’S IT
I replaced all the fire extinguishers at work with confetti canons because I like to party
Diabetes was the God of sugar.
My son just demanded to be changed into different pajamas for breakfast.
Thanks, royal baby.
I love when a pig looks like a disguised quest giving god
No idea how I’ve managed to make it through life dealing with this constant affliction.
My family: Can you stop pointing at us when you say that.
My local radio station is asking people to send in funny photographs taken when you were pissed.
So I’ve sent in my wedding album.
FOR SALE: air guitar, never played
Did you guys know you get a full body massage while being embalmed? I can’t wait.
Its real cute how pedestrians confuse “right of way” with immortality.
batman: i caught the penguin
judge: bail is set for $0
batman: isn’t he a flight risk?
judge:
batman: oh right
People say “you’ll ruin your appetite” like I have to be hungry to eat.
Batman Begins Crossdressing #AddAWordRuinAMovie
My wife keeps buying me chunkier and chunkier wheels for my bike, and I’m getting thicken tyred of it.
bouncer: can’t let you in. try the place 5 minutes down the road
guy: do you know who i am?! i’m usain bolt!
bouncer: oh sorry, 2 minutes down the road
This going into the office stuff blows. Like, I seriously have to wear clothes now.
safety message: make your coffee before assisting others with their coffee
My local Costco is out of Eggo waffles. A man & woman reached for the last box at the same time. Though he was there first by about 2 secs, the woman insisted they should go to her & her children. I KID YOU NOT, the man, who had his 2 teens w/him, replied, “Ma’am, leggo my Eggo.”