Me to husband: I’m about to cook, but first, can you do that thing I like?
Him: *disables smoke alarm*
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I’d love to meet up with you but my squirrel says it’s a bad idea and I always listen to her
Groundhog Day is my favourite film about Groundhog Day is my favourite film about Groundhog Day is my favourite film about Groundhog Day is my favourite film about Groundhog Day is my favourite film about Groundhog Day is my favourite film about Groundhog Day is my favourite fi
Avoid office small talk by maintaining that facial expression between first sneeze and second sneeze.
friend: why do u look sad
me: I have wrongdog
friend: what’s wrongdog
me: *big breath in*
Wife really liked the “sex anytime, anywhere” coupon I gave her. Probably should have specified “with me”
Were PacMan and Ms.PacMan married or brother and sister? Have some fanfic that’s either really awesome or really disturbing riding on this.
No, officer, no one is being murdered. I just had to rinse the shampoo out of my child’s hair.
Who called them nuclear submarines and not fission ships?
{phone call}
MRS. TURTLE: Hello?
MR. TURTLE: Hi honey. I’ll be home in 2 hours
MRS. TURTLE: Ok, call me when you’re close
MR. TURTLE: I’m like 10 ft away
I can’t believe I used to talk to people.
Husband: You cut your hair!
Me: …
H: It looks good! I like it!
…
Me: I cut my hair 3 weeks ago.
I just said “bye – bye” when I ended a phone call, and now I’m debating on if I should have my milk & cookies before or after recess.
2022 be like
Guys guide to AC levels in car with spouse:
If you’re hot, she’s cold
If you’re comfortable, she’s cold
If you’re cold, she’s not in the car
If You Give an Alligator a Corpse is my favorite children’s book about how one little snack leads to an exotic pet addiction and a life on the run.
Does my family really expect me to express my love for them on Valentine’s Day when we’ve been trapped together for months??
My dad just tried to lecture me about mountain weather conditions and what I should be packing for our five day hike. WHEN WAS THE LAST TIME YOU CLIMBED A MOUNTAIN DAD? I’M 40 YEARS OLD AND I’LL PACK WHAT I WANT. YOU’RE NOT THE BOSS OF ME. GAWD.
*falls off log and dies
If my psychiatrist said “There’s really nothing more I can do for you”, that means I’m cured right??
Me: NOT TODAY SATAN
Satan: But-
Me: Jesus, what did I just say?!
Jesus: To be fair he did say not today
[text]
11:56 pm
Her: whatcha doin?
Me: taking a shit12:03 am
Her: whatcha doin now?
Me: same shit different day
I just leave my autocorrects so people will think I’m really passionate about ducks.
People stick up those “Baby on Board” signs as if their infant is somehow more precious than my 4-foot travel bong.
Homework. The teachers’ way of knowing how smart the parent is.
Only 1490’s kids will remember this
*sails from Europe and destroys an indigenous population*
Being brave is overrated.
Just run away, screaming, like a normal human being.
Post more gym selfies so I know who to call when I need to move
But I meant it as a compliment when I said your baby looks like a pug.
Next time you see someone you don’t like, begin conversation with “I see the assassins have failed.”
My boyfriend died after falling into a giant vat of coffee at work
He didn’t suffer, it was instant
told my girl I was going to a wine tasting, now she’s coming and I was just gonna eat a dead bird and some expired cat food behind a Costco