@AudreyPorne

hey 🙂 if you’re having a good day, i just want you to know that tarantulas can swim

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@LaLuchaNix

I just watched Grease and it makes me sad how kids today are too lazy to buy matching leather jackets and smoke cigarettes.

@realHamOnWry

Putting a light in the refrigerator is God’s way of telling us that it’s okay to eat before going to bed.

@MissHavisham

The local diner is now selling rolls of toilet paper displayed in the glass case alongside their pie, which is really confusing.
Unless you’ve ever eaten their pie.

@justokpanda

Me: [attempting to warm up my 12th plate of tacquitos today]

My microwave:

@dadcid

one small step for man one giant step for a really small man

@Fyrekrakr73

Hire a hitman is apparently not the correct answer to “what would you do if you won the lottery”

@lil_aracuan

There’s no way you can prove to me that pterodactyls didn’t pronounce the p

@LoriLuvsShoes

I just saw a woman with a tremendous amount of make up and I was really tempted to use my finger and write “wash me” on her face

@Lisa_Laughs_

He said there was no spark between us, so I tazed him. I’ll ask again when he wakes up.