hey 🙂 if you’re having a good day, i just want you to know that tarantulas can swim

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I just watched Grease and it makes me sad how kids today are too lazy to buy matching leather jackets and smoke cigarettes.


Putting a light in the refrigerator is God’s way of telling us that it’s okay to eat before going to bed.


The local diner is now selling rolls of toilet paper displayed in the glass case alongside their pie, which is really confusing.
Unless you’ve ever eaten their pie.


Me: [attempting to warm up my 12th plate of tacquitos today]

My microwave:


one small step for man one giant step for a really small man


Hire a hitman is apparently not the correct answer to “what would you do if you won the lottery”


There’s no way you can prove to me that pterodactyls didn’t pronounce the p


I just saw a woman with a tremendous amount of make up and I was really tempted to use my finger and write “wash me” on her face


He said there was no spark between us, so I tazed him. I’ll ask again when he wakes up.