hey 🙂 if you’re having a good day, i just want you to know that tarantulas can swim
You Might Also Like
*stares lovingly at photo of wife and child*
*bravely runs into a burning house*
“It’s empty!” some yell
“That was a stock photo” others say
do you ever think about how since Doordash started, some amount of cars in a traffic jam are just someone’s sandwich. a whole spot on the road just occupied by a guys lunch
My neighbors look so happy.
We can fix that.
Following a series of poor personal decisions I now owe the ferret mafia six grand and my only way out is to be the driver for a meat heist planned by a squirrel dragged back in for one last job, assisted by a weasel nobody trusts. Not even the stoat bagman.
LADIES imagine this,
its 15 years from now. your son is up to bat. your daughter is cheering him on in the stands. your husband is nowhere to be found, you start to worry he’ll miss the game. suddenly, a tiny red convertible pulls up on the field. its your husband, Stuart Little
Prosecutor: What exactly were you doing May 26, 2016?
Me: According to my tweets, I was sitting in my car eating Wendy’s.
Husband: Can these gel packs go in the microwave?
Me: Absolutely.
*gel pack explodes*
Me: Why would you listen to me? I can’t put my pants on without falling over.
[Tour of an olive oil factory]
Guide: This is where we squash the olives.[Tour of a baby oil factory]
Guide: You don’t want to go in there
It’s weird to think there was a time when the most data a tablet could hold was five commandments.
Cashier: haha that’s a lotta candy, getting ready for Halloween early eh
Me:…
Cashier:…
Me:…
Cashier:…
Me: yep
“I SWEAR I DON’T KNOW WHERE THEY KEEP THE TREATS, PLEASE, I HAVE A FAMILY”
How to be a Beautiful Woman:
-fill cheeks with snacks like a hamster
-stop shaving. become furry (like a hamster)
-exercise on a wheel (see Hamster)
-drink plenty of water from your wall mounted bottle
-beady, hamster-like eyes
-bite my dad (like my hamster)
One of my favourite summer activities is to pretend I don’t know what a motorcycle is. It seems to sting worse because I’m a heavily tattooed blonde woman. I like to keep saying ‘it sounds like you’re describing a bicycle?’
I thought “man cannot live on bread alone” was some sort of TikTok challenge.
And I think I’m winning.
Sometimes you find a video that reminds you why social media is the best thing ever
Useful information: don’t turn around if a woman throws a shoe at your back. Because more than likely the other one is in mid flight.
HEY JUST BECAUSE YOU HAD A KID DOESNT MEAN YOU CAN STOP POSTING PICTURES OF YOUR DOG
Why do we need to learn History? George Washington didn’t need it and he was a King.
I see you’ve blocked me on all social media sites & moved house without leaving a forwarding address
Baby, does this mean we’re on a break?
Me to my children: I would kill and die for you
Also me to my children: I AM NOT YOUR DAMN MAID AND WILL BURN ALL THE SHIT ON YOUR BEDROOM FLOORS IN A MASSIVE BONFIRE AND DANCE AROUND THE FLAMES IN GLORY AND RAGE
Siri, make that person I actually really liked un-hurt my feelings
[Jesus Feeding of the 4,999)
ME: *gets back in line wearing fake mustache*
me and the Superbowl rn
To be fair to Justin Bieber if I had more than $75 I would act the way he does
Stop folding your fitted sheets. Roll them up into a ball like the rest of us.
“What if I tried to put a ball somewhere and you tried to stop me”
-guy who invented sports
[mustard company office]
*phone rings*
“Yellow”
HER: because you’re so juvenile this relationship is over
ME: [through walkie talkie] this relationship is what, over
Isn’t
coworker: my favourite are samosas. what about you?
me lying about having tried Indian food: I mean how do you argue against samosas